HIllary to McCain, really?

What would you think about someone who says to you: "I am really interested in buying a roomy, fuel efficient car." Then this friend proceeds to tell you a story of how they went to the Toyota dealer to see the Camry Hybrid. However, when they got there, the dealer said that the Camry Hybrid is on back-order for 6 months. They didn't know what else to do so they bought this HUMMER!"

Naturally, you would look at your friend/acquaintance like he/she was crazy!!! You would challenge them on their commitment to getting a roomy, fuel efficient car, wouldn't you? (well, maybe you wouldn't question the "roomy" part).. You might even ask, why didn't you go over to the Honda dealership?

This is how I feel when I hear about people who say that they were HUGE Hillary Clinton supporters and now support McHummer.. oops, I mean, McCain. I am forced to ask "REALLY?" Hillary and Obama are so closely aligned on so many of the issues that I can't imagine how you can make the philosophical/political leap from her to McCain??? Affinity! Well, if that is the case then it is racial affinity because Palin was not on the ticket when most of these folks made the leap. And, come on, Palin is going to sway your vote because she is a woman?! She is more anti-woman than any man I know.. Shit, she is to women what Clarence Thomas is to African Americans. And, while I am thrilled and excited about Obama's candidacy, I would never vote blindly for an African American. Imagine if Bigger-oops, I mean Clarence was on the Republican ticket running against Hillary and whoever?! I WOULD NEVER vote for that clown!

Come on, y'all, if you made the "leap" from Hillary to McCain, please pull out your mirrors and take a long look in it and try to search your soul... I am not calling you a racist.. I'll let you figure that out for yourself!!

Damn, I said I wasn't going to talk politics on this blog.. Oh well, first and last time.. I promise..

Ready, set, go....

Ok.. I can't pretend I am going to die in 1 year - I just can't! I am too afraid to put that kind of thought/energy/vibe out there in the universe (maybe it'll be heard too literally and I have too much to live for....). I know... I know... I KNOW.. it is silly. Hey, I didn't know that about myself but it is what it is.. So, I am going to take a little twist on this theme- I am going to act as if I am only going to be here in America/working for the next year and then I am gone - checked out, moved on - living the island life never to be heard from again... LOST BABY LOST..

I have given this thing a lot of thought over this past weekend. Well, as much thought as "I" can give something (consciously)... My wife has been tremendously helpful.. There are a couple of things I know that I want to do (have wanted to do for quite some time). Here is the preliminary list:

1) Start a school

2) Write Book for African American boys

3) Get my children's book illustrated and published

4) Golf project

5) Take immaculate care of myself

6) learn an instrument (guitar)

7) Shoot even par..

Whoa..

The funny thing is that imposing this kind of urgency on myself and my life makes me realize how deeply my disregard for the passage of time runs inside of me.. Also, it has caused me to look in the mirror and face the fact that I don't take myself seriously enough (always the clown). It is OK to have an ego and a little pride!! ( not the same as ego-centric and prideful). Hmmm. Note, that these goals have to do with ME and me alone (I feel pretty good and comfortable with the other "stuff" - fatherhood, being a husband, friend, son, brother, uncle, etc. ) - I will keep working on that important stuff since, ultimately, that is what I care most about and I feel like that is what I will be judged upon. However, folks in my life have challenged me to do things for myself for once..

So it begins quietly....

What would you do if you only had 1 year left to live?

I don't know if you find this question as interesting as I do... I guess, for some, it might drum up the same feelings as the question: "how would you live if you had no fear?" For others, it might not be interesting at all because it would simply be a recipe to spend every dime, cheat on their spouse, run with the bulls, climb a mountain, etc.

No matter, someone posed that question to me earlier today and after I got past the morbid aspects of this question and the fear of "putting the thought out in the universe," I thought about what it would mean and what an interesting exercise this might be. Would this push me to have a sense of urgency about some of my dreams? Would this push me to have a sense of urgency about my relationships? Would this make me say and do things I would not do or say if I believe I have a lifetime to take care of business? Would this sense of urgency cause my tolerance for BS to dwindle to 0? Would I try to take immaculate care of myself? Would I try to make up for last time and would I become much more conscious of the passage of time?

OR.... would I just let time pass as it has- taking each moment as it comes without connecting one moment to the next?

I think I want to engage in this exercise and I'd like to document the experience here.. It is late and I am tired. However, tonight, I am going to think about the "ground rules" for this exercise and I am going to begin tommorow, 9/13/08.

Going back to the farm

Congrats mom & dad!!

How do we get this train back on track???

I don’t have one friend (and I have a lot of friends) who is not deeply committed to making a difference in our society today! Pick the issue – hunger, poverty, education, environment, racism, sexism, homophobia, homelessness, disease, AIDS, orphaned children, animal rights, etc… We are all interested in doing something. Unfortunately for us, we grew up in the shadow of BABY BOOMERS and Civil Rights folks who are obviously going to take every baton with them to their graves. I CAN’T WAIT TO start my tee-shirt company so I can sell shirts that say something like “THE BABY BOOM WAS A BUST!!” – I am still working on the language but you get the gist J . I say it is unfortunate for us because a lot of us grew up listening to stories of all of the work that they put into making change and saw many things go backwards. At the same time, they wanted us to WAIT for everything (you know… 40 is the new 20, etc.) and they didn’t want us to go through what they went through.. So, a lot of us followed the rules and are sitting here as adults wondering how we could have left these issues to be addressed by the “me” generation.. Yikes, I have such a huge blind spot with respect to that generation that I am letting it affect my ability to stay ‘on point’ – sorry for the digression.

Anyway, I am struggling to find a way to get us all together and working effectively towards our collective end – a safe and equitable society where everyone is valued and no one falls through the cracks!! The one thing we always hear is that we would like to do something but we just don’t know what to do…. By the way, we can’t look to politicians and our so-called leaders… This has to start with us.. The dirty little secret in this country is that most folks have more in common with each other than they do with any of the people we call leaders. We often find ourselves distracted by arbitrary differences like race, religion, sex, sexual orientation, geography, etc. This is no accident – what if the country woke up out of its collective slumber and recognized that 98% are fighting over 2 % of the crumbs??? – there would be mayhem and madness!!. Or would there be?? EVERY DAY, something happens that should be driving the majority of us out into the streets ready to burn this mf down! We can start with fighting a meaningless war - a war where most of us CHOOSE to ignore how many people we are killing every day and focus on its cost (and, somehow, despite Mr. Cheney’s ulterior motive behind this war, we are sitting by watching gas prices soar over $4 per gallon). We should be livid that we are able to fund this war but we can’t find $$$ to educate our children (oh, that’s right, if we educated everyone equitably, who would fight our wars??). We should be freaked out by the fact that there are still homeless people and countless empty homes. We should be terrified that jobs are disappearing and people are losing their homes in record numbers. Is this the perfect storm that they talk about before the end of an empire?? What about global warming? We should be sick to our stomachs (well, we are but you know what I mean…) that we are sitting by and idly watching our planet heat up because of our neglect – we can change this and we are sitting on our hands (screw the debate about whether we are impacting the earth negatively – either side you come out on- you can’t conclude that we shouldn’t change our behavior)..
The list is seemingly endless.. WE can change the direction of this story.. I know we can but it is going to take all of us- seriously!! I am going to start blogging about my ideas and the ideas of my friends – I would love to hear what you think about how we can get together and affect real change. (don’t get me started on how folks like Gates could make very real change if they were so moved….. ).

Sorry to rant.. I promise to go back to more coherent posts soon.

Stacked over ball

Man, it is funny how the universe works.. I have been having more breakthroughs with respect to my golf swing ever since we had a baby and I can't get out and play.. This morning, at the range, I had another epiphany- I need to feel like I am stacked over the ball at contact - this felt great and allowed me to swing out after impact (I AM DYING TO GET ON THE COURSE).

Swinging against the left side

Alright... Alright... I should have bought an impact bag a loooooooooooonnnnnnnnng time ago.. Jeez, I don't think I ever understood what it meant to swing into the left side before. Yesterday, I was working on 2 things at the driving range when I got a strange sensation (for me, at least), I felt what it was like to "release" the club.. I was working on feeling like my right hand was pressing against my left thumb on the take away (to help "width" of the backswing) and I was working on shortening my backswing with the sensation that my club was dropping as a first move.. I accidentally started to swing into my left side and the ball started making a different sound at impact - a powerful "thud" and it felt like my club was going to fly out of my hands.. WOW.. I need to go back to the range a few times before I can fully process it ... I will keep you POSTED..

Discipline is not a bad word

I think a lot about reaching certain goals in my life.. I have written pages and pages about it in my journals./.. I have worked hard at it// I have cried about it.. I have been open-minded.. However, in the end, many of my goals have eluded me (don't you love the passive voice here??). Anyway, I sat down recently and tried to articulate why I think I haven't been successful in the past and what I can do to get different results moving forward..

There is one OVERRIDDING goal that I got from reading Good to Great- DISCIPLINE OR THE LACK OF ALONG THE WAY.. I don't underestimate the importance of this little trait and I no longer equate it with being neurotic or lacking spontenaeity (sort of how I used to see "morning" people before I came one)..

So, as promised in my previous post, I am including a list (it is shorthand since no one is actually reading it)..

Reasons I haven't reached my goals
• Process & intellectualize conditions
• Too easy on myself at crunch time (but too hard on myself after-the-fact)
• Blame outside factors (eg. Tumor)
• Self-sabotage (eg. Cookies after workout)
• Bad self-image (living to be right about image)
• Stuck on old images/messages about self
• VERY Comfortable
• Focus only on results not process
• Hoping for quick solutions (tied to bullet above)
• Tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow
• Got to have last “hurrah” before start
• Swinging for fences – all or nothing at all
• No belief that change will actually happen
• Lack of internal integrity (strong external integrity – keep promises to everyone but me)
• No back up plans when I mess up
• Not prioritizing important goals over BS time fillers
• No CLEAR, REALISTIC, ATTAINABLE goals/objectives
• I write down goals and never look back (as if writing down takes me off hook)
• NO “non-negotiables”
• No sense of urgency
• No positive reinforcement (esp. from self)
• No rewards
• Waiting for magical epiphany instead of “just acting” just doing it!!
• Never “act as if”
• Feeling like I am “too far gone” to change or reach goal
• Short term thinking
• No support network
• Feeling that I am victim or that things are unfair (eg. It is unfair that some folks get to eat all they want and not gain a pound)

Keys to reaching goals
 Establish Realistic and attainable Goals (by the way, changing habits is a goal)
 Objectives that will get to goal
 Benchmarks & periodic evals.
 Periodic rewards (daily if necessary)
 Redefine what rewards are (not bad stuff)
 Recruit support network
 Start NOW, not tomorrow
 Make it priority #1
 BE SELFISH ABOUT IT
 Revel in the process
 Revisit goals OFTEN (daily)
 Be hard on yourself
 Establish Plan B (eg. When you are about to eat something bad for yourself, OD on h2o).
 Contingency plans to get back on track if you do mess up “all is not lost”
 Change rhetoric and self-messaging to reflect the way you really feel about yourself (treat yourself the way you’d treat a best friend)
 Act “as if” you are already at your goal
 Recognize that the epiphany is just that.. and change happens in action
 START NOW…

Fat-boy-slim

OK, so this is about as vulnerable as I am going to be on this blog (besides my discussions of miscarriages, of course). This is much more personal. I have decided to declare IN WRITING that I am going to get my body and appearance together for once and for all!! Each week, I am going to update this blog about my progress.. (I typed “uggh” here and then I erased it – hmmm… that could be a separate post by itself).

I could write for hours and hours as well as pages and pages about where I have been. I could talk about my pituitary tumor (and the ways that that screwed up my hormone levels – especially my testosterone and prolactin), my 20 years of not eating meat and the countless and I mean countless hours at the gym (and how embarrassing it is to be the hardest working person there and have my body look like I am a total slacker) BUT I WON’T. I won’t write about these things because I am where I am – period. And, as I understand it, the best way to get “un-lost” is to determine where you are!!

So, where am I? I NEED TO LOSE A SIGNIFICANT AMOUNT OF WEIGHT- period!!! I don’t have an exact # and, honestly, I don’t care what that number is… Here are my goals (I am giving myself 6 months to get 90% of the way there)…

I want to get my body fat % under 10%
I want to “look” fit and feel great in my clothes
I want to develop and sustain extremely healthy habits (eating and exercise)
I want to be strong .
I want to take care of my skin, hair & teeth.


HERE IS WHERE I AM GOING TO START…

- I am going to cut out sugar and bread for 1 month (to start)
- I am going to start going to the gym again (at least 3-4 x/wk)
- I want to start walking and swimming more often
- I am going to be “present” about my eating and conscious about snacking
- I am going to try to start eating meat again.
- I am going to get on a sustainable vitamin/supplement regimen (not just take whatever I feel like that day)
- Limit beverages to water and tea
- Maybe start drinking alcohol ( I have never been a real drinker before).
- Schedule surgery on my left foot..


My next post will include the list of things that I typically do to sabotage myself and strategies for avoiding those pitfalls moving forward.

Wish me luck and look for an update next week.

Getting back on the blog track

I feel weird that I haven’t written on this blog in a week. I think I have mixed emotions because I don’t think anyone other than 1 friend actually reads this – if that is the case, I could just send him emails ☺.. However, I want to be clear that this is not a complaint because I haven’t told anyone about my blog (I want to always leave room to talk trash about friends and family : ). So, I am going to pretend that folks are reading it and get back to writing more regularly…

Can I move to Hawaii?

My best friend and his amazing wife are in Hawaii right now. I am not a jealous person by nature but DAMN I wish we were there with them!! We saw them last week on the way to Hawaii (they had a long layover in LA so we picked them up and spent the day together – she FINALLY got to see the Hollywood sign (a big deal for someone from Singapore)). We had a blast during our short 6-hour break together and it made me realize how much I miss my family (blood and otherwise) on the East Coast. It also made me realize how important it is to shape your life the way YOU want it to look/be. In other words, if you love being around your close friends and outside all of the time, for instance, don’t move 3,000 miles away from everyone and take a job that forces you to be inside most of the day. Pack up your stuff and let your lifestyle determine where you work and live (we’ve all heard it said a million times - work to live rather than live to work).

So, I am declaring it here and now.. I am going to get off my butt and make things happen… I’ve charged our friends to figure out how we can live and work in Hawaii – folks do it every day! People say stuff like, “I’d be bored” or “I’d get island fever.” I don’t understand these concepts – BORED? REALLY? Well, I don’t think a lot of people really take stock of what their lives look like.. Take me for instance, I live in a city that never sleeps but I do- every single night! I don’t hang out late at night anymore. I don’t work in “the business.” What am I doing in LA? All of the things that I really enjoy – spending time with my wife and baby, walking, hiking, not rushing from place to place in my care, hanging at the beach, playing golf, etc. - are things that I can do a lot more of in a place like Hawaii.

Hold me to this promise – I am going to stop riding the bench in my own life… More about that in a later post..

bear vs raccoon

Yesterday I saw two huge raccoons in our driveway. No big deal if you live in the suburbs but a very odd thing to see in the middle of Los Angeles. Am I wimp because I don't mess with raccoons? It is funny, I have seen them up close countless times in my life (many of the homes we lived in when I was a child were on the edges of the "woods'). It is funny, I was more anxious about my encounter with the raccoon yesterday than I was when I had a "run-in" with a bear and her cubs last year. Strange, huh? Maybe it was because I was holding my baby yesterday or maybe it is because I am a human and we aren't always the most rational beings.

Run in with a bear, you say? Many of my friends know this story but I think it is crazy enough to repeat here. My wife and I were hiking in the Sequoia National Forest back when we used to hike (new parents should smile right now). We had hiked much further than the average tourist and before we knew it, we realized that we hadn't seen another person for about an hour or so (should that have been a warning). We were having a great time checking out the largest trees ever when we started hearing a weird tapping. So, naturally, I walk over to the nearest normal sized tree and start tapping a similar rhythm (joking with my wife that I have just found the second Ivory -Billed Woodpecker - NPR drove us crazy with this story)... Suddenly, my wife said that she thought she saw something out of the corner of her eye - I continued to joke about the woodpecker when my wife got very very quiet.

I looked up and realized that we were about 25 yards away from a black bear and her cubs. My wife started to run (exactly what they tell you NOT TO DO).. I grabbed her by the nape of her neck (sort of like she was my cub) and put her behind me. The bears would have chased her (it was bad enough she had our lunch in her backpack) because they can't help but chase potential prey carrying desert on her back.

Back to the drama.... Had we not stopped to communicate with the ivory billed woodpecker, we would have crossed right in front of her cubs and it would have been ON AND POPPIN). Anyway, we stood still as the cubs passed in front of us - probably 10 yards away. I had just read that I was supposed to make a bunch of noise, wave my arms and look as large as possible if we encounter a bear. However, the cubs barely acknowledged us so we just stood quietly watched them pass. This plan seemed to be working UNTIL the mother bear passed in front of us - she stopped about 5 -10 yards away from us and took a few steps towards us.. Now, not that I am some macho bad-ass, but, until that moment, I didn't feel an ounce of fear (all I was thinking about was keeping my wife safe). When that momma bear took her steps towards us and I suddenly realized how much danger we were in, my legs went cold. I was trying to think if I could hold off this bear long enough for my wife to get away (we had just watched Grizzly Man and I kept reminding myself that this wasn't a grizzly and that I might walk away from this fight - silly, right?). Obviously, the momma bear decided that I wasn't much of a threat and went back to her cubs. The joke for me has been that she stepped towards me so I wouldn't go home and tell folks that I "punked" a bear - she simply needed to check me! Consider me checked.

So, what does this have to do with a raccoon? Here is the first hint into how my crazy brain works.. Immediately after our encounter, it hit me that that bear could have really hurt us and I kept thinking about the "damage" I have seen angry/cornered raccoons do over the years and it struck me that the bear could have done much much worse. I am not implying that a bear is just a big, bad raccoon but they are playing the same game - sort of like a little league slugger and Barry Bonds both play baseball.

Do I need to buy a big knife and a slingshot? Or should I just call LA animal control-- wait, they don't do house calls anymore...

Our baby fish finally learns to swim

My beautiful 10 ½ month old son had his first official swimming lesson today. What a thrill! Everyone knows that he is a water fanatic – he has loved the water SINCE DAY 1. He loves the bath, any type of running water (he has been taking showers with me since he was 2 months old ), the ocean – he used to fall asleep as soon as I got close to the shore…. I took him in a pool for the first time when he was 4 months old and he was indescribably happy (he was so calm and peaceful – he was mesmerized)..
All of this to say is that the swim lessons were long overdue! But 10 ½ months isn’t exactly late in the game, is it??!! So, today, we put “swimmers” on his little body and drove him to the Lenny Krazelberg Swim school at the JCC in LA. The folks there COULD NOT HAVE BEEN FRIENDLIER – seriously, they made us feel welcome and comfortable immediately and THAT set the tone for the day.

We quickly stripped and jumped into the pool to join the class that had just started! The scene was hilarious – actually.. It was me (6’3” LARGE African American man) along with three mothers and their babies and the teacher. We sang songs and let our babies get comfortable. Then, without warning, came the moment of truth – the instructor stopped the class and announced that it was time for humpty dumpty to fall – YES, we needed to “dunk” our babies under water. On the count of three, we all “blew” on our babies’ faces and dunked them under the water. Our son LOVED IT – he went under and came up with his eyes wide open and smiling! WOW!

OK, so here is one area where daddies may be better suited for “action” than mommies.. I didn’t get a sick feeling when I submerged my tiny little son in chlorine filled water (I wonder if my wife would have been able to do this without crying)… Next up, we were supposed to sit our babies on the edge of the pool and sing the humpty dumpty song and when we got to the part where humpty takes a great fall, we were supposed to pull our babies into the water, blow on their faces and then ease their heads under water. Well, that is nice in theory but our fish-baby kept trying to dive in – I couldn’t get through the song because I had to try to keep our baby from pushing me away to make room for him in the water.. Finally, after a few attempts, I was able to get through the song and partially dunk him (he kept arching his back). The very cool swim instructor took him and did it for me – HE LOVED IT..

I wonder what would have happened if I had just let him go? Would he have worked his way back to the surface?

Finally, one proud father note… our son was the star of the class AGAIN – every time we go to a class, he shines. He loves other babies and he is so easy going that folks can’t stop talking about him – SERIOUSLY!( there are times when it is a little embarrassing). I hope that he continues to love being around other folks and I hope that we continue to do things to nurture his amazing spirit.

My one concern – I worry that Lenny Krazelberg will see Cole in the pool and bar him from his school because he is going to be worried about his records being broken J

A boy and his dog

Every boy should grow up with a dog! Throughout my childhood, we always had a dog in the house. However, I never felt like our dogs were MY dogs. Sure, I was responsible for cleaning up after the dogs and walking them occasionally BUT the dogs ALWAYS loved my mom (she has a great voice for babies and dogs AND she fed the entire family – including the dog!!) and saw my dad as the alpha male. I never got to have a loyal friend that I always dreamt about.

My wife also LOVES dogs. And, for her, the bigger the dog, the better (which is funny because she is only 5’2”). And, while she grew up with dogs too, I think her experience was very similar to mine. However, as an adult, she and her sister had a dog - Hoover – who was her buddy, companion, running/riding partner, foot/bed-warmer, garbage disposal, sounding board, and loyal member of her family. Sadly, they had to put Hoover to sleep three years ago. My wife has healed from that loss and she is ready to add a four – legged member to our family.

I hope that our son will grow up loving dogs like we do! If he doesn’t then he doesn’t but all indications are that he does – HE ABSOLUTELY LOSES HIS MIND WHEN HE SEES THEM ON THE STREET (he lets out a high pitch squeal when he sees them and don’t let one come up to him …. J- it’s like Mardi Gras ). It makes me laugh and smile every time I see him around dogs!

I am not sure I can articulate anything new about why a boy (child) should grow up with dogs but here is why it is important to us. First, he may be an only child (an opportunity cost of having a child at 40) so I hope that having a dog will teach him to think about something else other than himself. I hope that taking care of a dog will teach him to be caring. I hope that, by caring for a living being, he will learn to be responsible, empathetic and nurturing. I hope that he will see his dog as his best buddy and he will look back on his childhood experiences with his dog and smile – they will discover new worlds, swim, camp in the yard, dig holes, keep each other from being bored, spend rainy days together, and even sit in “time out” together. I hope they sleep together. In short, I hope he gets to experience all of the wonderful things that dogs bring to peoples’ lives.

So, the logical question is “why don’t we have a dog?” Short answer – timing and space. We thought about getting a dog before he was born but we decided that we didn’t know exactly what we were getting into so we didn’t want to put ourselves in a situation where our dog would not be getting the attention he deserved. Anyway, we are also STUCK in LA and our space is limited and that would not be fair to the big dog my wife wants. Finally, we decided it might make a little more sense to wait until our son is a little older and he can be a much more active part of the dog’s life.

Any thoughts? Suggestions?

Dr. Suess meets Dr. J

One of the most rewarding things in life is to watch people you care about grow up and come into their own! This past weekend, we visited our goddaughters in Northern CA. Overnight, these amazing girls grew up and are now 10 and 12 years old - the 12 year old is as tall as my wife and the 10 year old is catching up quickly.

Every Spring, with a few exceptions, we visit our family in NoCAL to see our goddaughters in their annual play/musical. We have been treated to some of the most endearing and entertaining performances over the years – in one case, we saw a girl play Peter Pan who could hold her own against anyone on Broadway (it brings me to tears when I see a young person “do their thing” at such a young age). So, why am I writing about it this year? Well, a few things came up for me this weekend.

First, seeing our youngest goddaughter “do her thing” on stage was so moving – especially since her older sister is no longer in the same school with her and, therefore, no longer on stage with her! Not only was she on stage but she was one of the main characters and she was on stage in every scene. She is not only smart, intelligent and artistic but she is an introspective child who is very sensitive! Now, I can confidently add to that list- BRAVE. My chest filled with pride watching her on stage because I know she was probably nervous and “outside her comfort zone” but she got up on that stage and did it anyway and SHE ROCKED IT! I don’t know many adults who are as brave as she is!
She is also an amazing artist – I can’t wait to see what she creates along the way!

My other goddaughter had a basketball game on Sunday and we were treated to 28 minutes of hard-nosed, good basketball! I didn’t learn much about my goddaughter while watching her play basketball – I already knew that she was driven and hardworking. However, watching her game made me reflect on my own life and life in general. I wish some of the spoiled man-children who get paid millions of dollars a year to play basketball for a living in the NBA could have seen these girls play. If they had been there, they would have seen 8 – 7th graders take on a team of 12 girls who were all much larger and more experienced. At the same time, they wouldn’t have seen a single girl on my goddaughter’s team give up for 1 second - they would have seen girls play hard until the final buzzer. They would have seen girls who refused to back down from their larger opponents. They would have seen 28 minutes of hard-nosed basketball and 8 girls who love and respect the game. They would have seen 12 year old girls dive on the floor for balls, take hard fouls, give hard fouls, get hurt and come right back in the game. And, they would have seen phenomenal sportsmanship after these 8 girls lost the game. Finally, they would have seen 8 girls walk off the court proud of themselves because they knew that they gave 100% and nothing less. Again, I am proud.

Finally, I loved watching my goddaughters take care of my son – they were so sweet and loving to him that it really filled my heart to see. I love the fact that they are still good kids who put family first and are less concerned with “looking” cool and more concerned about being true to themselves (by the way, here is a little secret – those are the real cool people). I doubt they will ever read this blog post but I hope they know how proud I/we am/are of them (I will be sure to continue to tell them).

A special gift!

OK- this is what it is – a bragging session about my son.

My son turned 10 months old yesterday and I wanted to take a moment out to reflect on how special he really is – I don’t often brag about him because I think his spirit and beauty speak louder than I ever could.

I told my wife that I knew he was special while he was still in her belly – I told her that we would get stopped in the street daily and guess what???? I know that he is a beautiful boy and there is a segment of people who only notice that about him BUT there is another group of people (the majority of folks) who notice that other quality about him – that something special!!
From day 1 – literally- everyone has said that he seems like he has “been here before” – he has always had piercing/knowing eyes and he is always watching and smiling. He laughs constantly and RARELY cries (seriously). He is smart and he is engaging – he lets anyone hold him and he loves to flirt with everyone. Lately, he has discovered DOGS and he lets out the most adorable squeal when he sees one!

I love this child more than I ever thought I could love anyone – and I love openly and honestly…He makes me laugh and cry almost daily. I want to be with him all of the time. I fall in love with him all over every day.

He is a funny boy – he loves to “jump” and he has been trying to walk since he got here (people used to freak out when they’d see this tiny little baby with a full head of hair trying to walk – no he isn’t a circus freak). We took him to a class at Gymboree the other day and he was the only “verbal” (read screaming and squealing) child in the room and every time he locked onto another baby, he’d pull himself up and start “walking” towards them – THEN, without warning, he’d start jumping – it is the funniest thing ever!

With the kind of love and admiration I have for him, of course, come a lot of questions. First, how do I nurture his gifts? How do I “get out of his way” and let him become the person he is meant to be? I know every person believes that their child can change the world – I KNOW HE WILL. I am constantly working on myself so that I am ready to be the best father I can be. For now, I have taken the advice of friends and I spend lots of time on the floor with him. I watch him and try to see the world through his eyes - it is still a beautiful and amazing place from down there! :)

Any advice?

Why are you putting out that fire, Nigga?

Uggh.. I have not had access to the internet on a real computer since last Friday and it has literally driven me crazy. I am happy to be back! I have thought of a million things to blog about since Friday so forgive me if I am “all over the place” in this post.
AND… I promise that this blog won’t be a bunch of “gripes” and complaints (even though I feel like I have made this promise on every recent post).

So… I was out of town visiting family over the weekend in a relatively sleepy little suburban town. We were returning to our relatives’ home after meeting up with some friends for dinner when we saw some people standing near a fire burning on the street. At first, we couldn’t figure out what was going on – was this a bonfire? A campfire? What? It was strange because their neighborhood is so quiet, exclusive, and dark (and near a huge lake) so we couldn’t wrap our minds around the fact that this fire could have been started by stupid or irresponsible people with very bad intentions. However, as we got closer to the fire and the “fire-starters,” it was ABUNDANTLY clear that these people were attempting to cause very real damage.

I drove past our turn and I pointed my headlights on the fire that was just starting to catch on the dried leaves in the wooded area next to a pretty large suburban home. I didn’t even look at the people who were moving quickly away from the “scene.” Without thinking, I grabbed three ½- empty water bottles and jumped out of my car and quickly put out the fire (the fire was starting to spread and if it was about 30 seconds later, I would not have been able to put it out). As I am putting out the fire, I see two people run from the yard of the house closest to the fire. At the same time, from the shadows, I hear someone say “why you putting out that fire?” I was too focused on not getting burned to answer this ridiculous question.

So far so good, right? In my mind, up to this point, I have done what any responsible citizen should do, right? Well, here in the story is where I diverge from smart/responsible behavior. As I get back in the car, that question; “Why are you putting that fire out?” really irked me (and, at the same time, made me realize that these people are young and it is late!!). Again, without thinking, I turn the car around and drive up to the group of 8 teenagers - WITH MY WIFE AND CHILD IN THE CAR! I slow down and roll my window down (this clearly surprised this group of people – 2 ran into the bushes and the rest clearly stiffened up). I had the following exchange:

Me: (asking a relatively stupid question of them): “What are you doing?” or “Why are you starting fires in this neighborhood?”
One of the kids: Whatever, Nigga!
Me: (I didn’t grow up in an era when not EVERYONE could use any derivative of this word): Did you just call me nigger?
Same kid: Whatever!
Me: (opening my door) No, not whatever, did you just call me nigga?
My wife: Don’t engage these stupid kids – let’s go!

Something about her words totally chilled me out and I decided to let it go . Also, it struck me that they couldn’t see me and weren’t calling me a Nigger but trying to be cool and use “Nigga” like we used to use “man.” AND, I am a pretty large GROWN man and nothing good could have come from me confronting a group of kids! So, the adult version of me closed the door, turned the car around , which enabled me to SEE the kids’ faces and some of them were African American. However, while seeing that some of these kids were African American made me feel better about hearing the word “nigga,” it made me deeply concerned that these kids were in this affluent neighborhood, lighting fires. Now, I know that we are in the era of Obama and many of my conspiracy theories are going to fly out of the window if he is elected as our next President but I DO NOT BELIEVE THAT THIS COUNTRY HAS CHANGED SO MUCH that if the police had gotten there in time they would not have singled out the black kids in the group (or, at a minimum, the long-term legal implications for them would be much greater as I KNOW that the law still works in a downward direction).

Anyway, I called the police and told them about these kids lighting fires… We went home and put OUR kid to bed. After he was asleep, my wife got very serious with me and asked me to be much more mindful and thoughtful about “getting involved” with stuff like that- especially since we have a child now! I admit that that made me feel a little defensive and I told her that (knowing that this was not her point) I would always act like this and GET INVOLVED – ESPECIALLY since I have a son because I don’t want him to be a person who doesn’t get involved. She looked at me as if to say “come on… you know what I mean!” And I did and I did promise her that I would be better (again, a promise that I feel like I have been making a lot lately).

Here are the questions I have:

Do these kids realize that I saved them from very serious criminal charges ??(if those dried leaves had caught, who knows how much damage, destruction, and death they could have caused).
Why were these kids out wandering the streets at midnight?
Where are their parents?
Why can’t adults confront young people who are out of order anymore?
How can I raise my son to NOT be like these kids and understand the ramifications of his actions?

Swing thoughts -1 in a series

So, today, I spent 45 minutes at the driving range and something hit me while I was struggling with the "same old same old" - I think I am swaying and that would explain a lot of the things I do on my downswing that drive me nuts (I've heard it said that the golf swing is a series of compensations). So, I started trying to "turn into" my right side on my backswing (with an emphasis on turning into my right hip and uncoiling from there - it felt great and I had A LOT more power). I am going to keep working on this and also try to see if I can find a better way to articulate what I am doing.

Wish me luck.

My Big Banana Slip Up!

YELLOW was the color of the banana peel that I threw out of my window at the car of the impatient driver who could not stop honking at me as we inched our way down Arlington Blvd. OH MY GOD! I was driving to a meeting near USC and I made the mistake of taking Arlington Blvd. Now, I don’t have anything against a street named Arlington- especially since I consider Northern VA home!! However, everyone on the west side of LA seems to think that this is the best way to get to I-10.

Brownish- black is the color of the banana residue that is probably still on her window right now. I am not sure why this woman got under MYskin – maybe because it was early and I was late. Maybe it was because she was riding my bumper on the passenger side of my car and couldn’t see that there was a car 2’ in front of me and a car 2’ in front of that car and so on and so on.. Maybe it is because she was driving a Honda Civic and I have my issues with civic drivers. OR, MAYBE IT WAS BECAUSE SHE KEPT HONKING AT ME AS IF SHE WANTED ME TO RUN OVER THE CAR IN FRONT OF ME and is apparently too stupid to at least move to the other side of my car and SEE if there is a car in front of me (she also could have deduced that since the line of cars was a mile long).

Red was the color of my brown cheeks by the time I was able to get out of her way (the right lane was blocked by a broken down garbage truck). I pulled over and she jumped into the turning lane to get onto I-10 (and she actually had the nerve to look shocked when she saw traffic jamming up the lanes – she had to slam on her brakes as she tried to zip past me)…

Green was the color of my insides as I stepped out of character and started honking at her! I was so annoyed (although not mad) and I wanted her to look at me as she passed but she just looked straight ahead.. That is what really irked me – I wanted to ask her “where in the hell could I go? Do you want me to run over the Cadillac that was basically parked in front of me?” As I watched her ride the bumper of the guy next to me, I was finishing up the banana I was eating when something came over me and before I knew it a banana peel was soaring from my car to her passenger window (don’t you love how I switched to “passive voice” right there like I had nothing to do with it).

Silver is the color of my halo as I tell you that THIS behavior is WAAAYYYY out of character for me. I consider myself an excellent driver- excellent because I am very aware of what is going on around me, I take safety seriously, I watch and anticipate other drivers, and I am considerate and patient. However, I am always amazed by all of the poor driving that goes on around me (there is never a day that goes by that I don’t see something egregious)… I like to comment on the driving but that is it.. I honestly can’t say what came over me!!

White is the color of the flag that I am waving right now. IT IS TIME FOR ME TO GET THE HELL OUT OF LA.. I am not meant to be here – I don’t do well in city this large where no one seems to “see” each other and everyone is anonymous.

Special note on Karma = I paid $8 to park in the garage at USC and I left my car in a spot marked for the Sizzler restaurant (they weren’t open) and I got a $50 ticket. As my grandmother says “God doesn’t like ugly.” What can I say.. I am a work in progress..

My "Do the Right Thing" moment at the GAP

Yes, we are still making the rookie-parent mistake of shopping at the GAP but we may have been cured of this “issue”/habit by what happened the other day.. Before I go any further, let me say – I promise that this blog will not a place for me to rant and rave about all of the wrongs I encounter on a daily/weekly basis – I want it to be a positive thing BUT.. I’ve got to make an exception here.

So… me and my family went to the GAP at the Grove the other day to pick up some socks and “winter clothes” for our trip back east next week. We have been to this GAP a million times over the past 18 months (we got a ton of maternity clothes there too) so the changes jumped out at us relatively quickly. We walked up to the counter to pay adult prices for baby clothes and that is when I really “saw” the picture behind the counter. The picture behind the counter was probably 10’ x 5’ and had four babies smiling at us - all four of the babies were white baby boys. This was curious but I thought that maybe they were supposed to be brothers or something so I looked around at the other pictures in the room – there were probably a total of 12 baby pictures hanging in this department and only one was a child of color. Then, I looked at the customers and the department was packed with people of all colors.. And, the three women working behind the counter were Latinas.

Of course, I said something to the woman ringing us up! Here is how the conversation went:

Me: What up with the pictures?
Saleswoman: (laughing a knowing laugh): Don’t say anything…
Me: Seriously, I feel like I am in a Spike Lee movie - Yo… how come there ain’t no brothas up on the wall? On ANY of the walls
SW –(Laughing and looking around ) I did notice the picture behind us… We (nodding at the other women behind the counter with her) talked about that but I hadn’t really noticed the other pictures – it does look crazy doesn’t it?
Me; Crazy? It looks Hitler does your marketing!
SW – WOW. Actually, these people entered their babies in a competition
Me (holding my stunningly beautiful son) so did I – I guess he doesn’t fit the GAP ideal..
SW: NO? your son is beautiful!
Me; Yeah, we entered him. Then, (pointing to a sweet little Asian girl in a carriage next to us) – what about her ? She is perfect.SW: she is perfect isn’t she?!
Me; Yes, Marketing folks are just like casting directors in Hollywood. Maybe we should boycott GAP.
SW – (smiling and being surprisingly patient with my rant) don’t boycott us!
Me: Jeez, this is JUST like watching television –

Of course, I talked all of that trash and STILL bought all of my son’s clothes. However, I did get the address for the corporate offices and I will write a letter.
I know that no one from GAP will ever read this blog and they probably won’t even read my letter so I will share the highlights from this letter with you:
I will describe what happened during my recent visit. Then I will stress the following.

I am really distressed by the message you are sending to your customers. I believe that your in-store photos should reflect the wide array of people who shop at your store (like your ads that attract people to the store). AMERICA shops at GAP and America is diverse. Your in-store marketing tells me that you only value your white customers and don’t care about all of the money that the rest of America spends in your stores. What it also tells me is that your executive team is not very diverse.. SERIOUSLY, GAP, it is 2008!

I will go on and on in this letter then I will ask them to explain themselves. You know this brings up a much larger point for me – I am really sick and tired of having this thrown in my face --- The most recent example of this was the freaking Writer’s strike (I was calling it the “Whiter’s strike”) - I would have been embarrassed to strike if I was them – it looked like a damn Boston Fireman’s labor strike from the 1930s.

Look, I am going to stop here because I don’t want to waste any more time on the freaking GAP.. There are much bigger social issues that I should address and the pictures on the walls of the baby section of the GAP in Los Angeles is not the appropriate place to start! So, I am going to leave this for now but I am going to begin to engage all two of my readers in a much longer and deeper discussion about the many “isms” that are constantly at play in our society.

In the meantime, GAP - WAAAAAKKKKKEEEE UPPPPPPPPPP!!! (for all of your Spike Lee fans).

Actually, I like Phil Mickelson…

Yes, it is kind of weird that I am writing about Phil Mickelson at the beginning of what promises to be the greatest year in golf ever – Tiger is going to have a phenomenal year ! I predict that he will win all of the majors and win an incredible number of tournaments (I don’t see him losing for a long time :) - he will win this match play today – no disrespect to Cink fans!).

This may come as a shock to some of my friends who know me well (the good thing is that most of my friends aren’t going to read this :) ). Irrespective of all of the trash that I talk about Phil, I have always liked his game and I respect the way he has carried himself in the Shadow of Tiger Woods – DESPITE HOW THE MEDIA TRIES TO VILLIFY HIM. Before Tiger was “on the scene” (actually, avid golf fans knew who Tiger was years before he hit the PGA so he has been “on the scene” a lot longer than most folks realize), Phil was supposed to be “THE MAN.” In fact, when Phil won the Northern Telecom Open in 1990 as an amateur, expectations for his career shot through the roof.

And, I complain about playing the “if only” game (see 2/16/08 post ) – imagine being inside Phil’s head?

Sure, Phil might have won a lot more tournaments if Tiger decided to quit golf and become a jazz musician but would Phil have made as much money and would you watch him play every weekend? I have heard Phil acknowledge that most likely, the answer to both of those questions is NO! And, that is why I like Phil – He has been gracious in defeat (despite the countless misquotes) and he has acknowledged what Tiger brings to the game. I give Phil “props” because Tiger has overtly eclipsed his career more than any other guy on the PGA tour (Ernie Els’ countless second place finishes to Tiger notwithstanding) and I would at least UNDERSTAND if Phil was a “hater.” However, he is not.

Yes, Phil will try to prop himself up too – he will talk about his game improvements, equipment changes, and the fact that he feels like he can beat Tiger. And people get mad at him but WHAT ELSE IS HE SUPPOSED TO DO? He is a professional athlete for God’s sake!

So, for the record, I like Phil Mickelson. HOWEVER, I DO NOT LIKE WHAT I THINK MOTIVATES A LOT OF HIS FAN BASE… At first I wasn’t mad at the fact that people were rooting for Phil – I love a good match as much as anyone and I love the UNDERDOG. However, as time went by I started to feel something else underlying all of this support for Phil – an anti-Tiger sentiment! I find that curious because it almost feels like folks are looking for a GREAT WHITE HOPE in an ALL WHITE SPORT! The PGA tour hasn’t exactly become the WBO. Tiger is the only African American who you see on the tour and Tiger Woods is not Jack Johnson!
A great white hope in GOLF? Really?! Golf fans who don’t love Tiger Woods, should take a really long, hard look in the mirror. Now, relax, I am not calling you a racist – yet! And, no I am not lumping you into the same group of folks who I’ve heard say “goddamn Tiger Woods when they’ve seen people of color walk to the first tee (these guys usually don’t like women on the course either – JESUS, I hope none of them are democrats this year : ) ). And, no, I am not saying that you are same as the folks that assume that every African American golfer started playing after they saw Tiger Woods play – Sure, you are very aware that just because we weren’t allowed to play on many courses doesn’t mean that we weren’t playing (a lot of those black caddies could have won a lot of tournaments - more on the asterisks I want to put on sports records before the early 70’s later).

This is what I love about Tiger Woods. Let me say this, up front, I don’t know the guy but how many of us know the people we watch play sports every weekend? I get the feeling that I wouldn’t necessarily want to hang out with him (just like Michael Jordan – fun to watch but I’d hate to drive across country with him) as I get the sense that they have a hard time relaxing and having fun (egos and over- competitiveness probably get in the way). However, as a public figure and representative golf, YOU’VE TO LOVE TIGER WOODS.

Tiger is the consummate professional and carries himself like a gentleman – in victory or defeat. (Tiger brought back taking off your cap when shaking your opponent’s hand). Tiger works hard on his game and takes immaculate care of his body – he respects his sport/profession. Tiger NEVER QUITS! Tiger has thrilled all of us many times over the past 15 years (I bet you can think of an amazing shot, round, comeback, broken record, streak, etc. that Tiger has shared with us and you have shared with your friends on the course). Tiger has made golf cool (when we were kids, the non-athletic kids or country club kids played golf – the rest of us played to hang with our dads J ). Tiger made hanging with your dad cool for kids – his relationship with his late father made a lot of guys reflect on their own relationships with their own fathers or sons. Tiger is charitable as hell! Tiger is a winner!

Finally, Phil Mickelson could and would add pages to my list of reasons why you should love Tiger Woods (I heard Phil joke once that Tiger has made him rich). If you don’t like Tiger Woods, please ask yourself why? And, let me know what you come up with!?!

Not to jinx myself but.......

I am happy to report that my year is off to a completely different start than any other year in my adult life! I am actually working towards reaching my goals. Sure I have kept small resolutions like working out regularly but this year it is completely different! One reason is that I am trying something completely different. Here is what I THINK is working for me –

1) I listed my goals and some objectives (I always do this).
2) I sat down and figured out my “patterns” and traps and developed strategies for what I was going to do when I started to fall back into old patterns
3) I am working hard to be “present” when I make decisions (easiest example is not eating “crap” mindlessly
4) I identified “replacement behaviors” (e.g., drinking tea when I feel anxious rather than eating a snack).
5) HERE IS THE BIGGIE – I started catching myself when I am talking/feeling negatively about and to myself. I would never talk to a friend or loved one that way so I had to “check” myself. I realized that these were simply tapes playing over and over in my head. So now, I consciously press “pause” and re-tape different messages over those old messages.


There are two things that I need to add to my game plan. First, I need to find someone to hold me accountable. Second, I need to get in the habit of revisiting my goals daily.

If you are reading this, feel free to check back with me and hold me accountable.

Sharing your gifts

Today I had lunch with a good friend of mine who paid me one of the nicest compliments that I have received in a long time. Wait, let me start at the beginning- well, sort of at the beginning. My buddy came in to the restaurant and he was beaming – almost literally. I immediately asked him how things were going as he was jumping out his skin. He proceeded to tell me that he has never been happier since he left his job 6 weeks ago. Here is the compliment – he said that he had ME to thank for this decision and the accompanying happiness! What?

2 months ago we had lunch together near my office – right after he took a new job- and he was NOT happy. In fact, he was borderline miserable and I understood exactly why he felt that way.. He left a very comfy and cozy job to take a job that logic said he couldn’t refuse. However, two weeks into the job he had the feeling that I always get every time I take a new job – a feeling that I don’t think I have the words to express. It is a feeling of heaviness in your stomach that stems from not doing something true to yourself and for some of us out here, WORKING for someone else is not being true to ourselves. My friend wants to be a working writer and every job he takes makes him feel one step further away from that goal.

So, 2 months ago I sat down and talked with him about where he was and how he was going to get where he wanted to go.. Side note for those of you who don’t know me yet – I AM AMAZING AT HELPING PEOPLE GET WHAT THEY WANT (I even talked a colleague into quitting smoking over tea during a staff retreat – 1 year later she still has not had a smoke) BUT I CAN’T SEEM TO DO IT FOR MYSELF. He and I talked about our upbringings and how we watched our baby-boomer dads work at the same gigs for decades (more on baby boomers later) and how that paradigm has shaped who we are now. We also talked about fear and the passage of time. I don’t know exactly what I said to him – I do know that I said it with passion and I suggested that it was now or never. I told him that since he has a phenomenal wife who would totally support this decision, he should do it while he is still flexible (no mortgage.. no kids). I told him about all of the things that I have wanted to do and “sat on my hands” and watched less talented people succeed where I didn't even try. A reckless disregard for the passage of time! (see 2/16 post).

I talked on and on during that lunch ( in fact, I felt a little bad because I usually try not to “hog” conversations because I don’t want to sound like a lawyer). I am passionate about this because I truly believe that when you are gifted at something you have a duty to share it with the world. Well, something in my words and passion must have resonated with my buddy because he went home and told his wife that he was going to quit and give the writing “thing” a try. She laughed because she couldn’t believe that she has been trying to convince him to do this for years and after 1 lunch with me, he was ready..

Today, he shared with me that almost as soon as he made the decision to quit and break out on his own, doors started swinging wide open and people in his life (including his parents) surprised him with their support. This is exactly how the universe works – at least as I understand it!!
I can guarantee that he is going to be a phenomenally successful writer and YOU will know his writing in the very near future – MARK MY WORDS and I promise to keep you posted!

Questions for you.

1) How do I persuade my brilliant photographer friend to truly break out and let the world experience his gift? He and I suffer from something else – we take rejection personally. Listen, my friend is a PHENOMENAL PHOTOGRAPHER – his work is stunning – visit http://www.raymondjonesimages.com/

2) How do I convince my other buddy to use his brilliant mind to help shape some of the public discourse in this country – he ought to be ashamed of himself that Michael Eric Dyson is out there “making it happen” and he is not!
Both of these friends are being selfish (not in a malicious way) with their talent and they need to let their lights shine for the rest of us. HOW CAN I HELP???

3) Don’t even get my started on my other friend and the book(s) he should have written by now- if you want to check out a real writer’s blog- see http://www.dawnsonink.net/ - jump on his site and tell him that he needs to write his book (this is not the same friend that I had lunch with).

A rainy day in Los Angeles

Well, as you know, I am an East Coaster trapped on the West Coast (I moved here to get married so forgive my whining) and I LOVE rainy days – it makes me feel like I am in a season (pick a season- any season). One crazy thing about living out here is that you lose a sense of the seasons and I didn’t realize how important they were for me UNTIL I didn’t have them.. Seriously, it affects me in many ways but one odd way is that I can’t remember when anything happened anymore – I used to use the seasons to narrow down when things happened (e.g., there was snow on the ground.. so we must have started dating in the winter J ).

But here is the craziest thing about rain in LA. ANGELENOS CAN’T SEEM TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO DRIVE IN THE RAIN! Aren’t most of the folks who live here from somewhere else? I don’t know what it is but if you venture out on a rainy day, the roads look like Virginia roads during an ice storm. People are braking incessantly, sliding, and bending fenders all over the city. At the same, there seems to be this tug of war between drivers who see the rain as an opportunity to drive even faster and the drivers who believe it is a signal to drive half the speed limit.

But here is the dirty little secret. ANGELENOS CAN’T DRIVE WHEN IT IS NOT RAINING! I lived here 16 years ago and traffic was bad BUT folks seemed to be paying attention. I came back and I was SHOCKED to see how bad things had become - I am not lying when I say that not a day goes by when I don’t see someone behind the wheel:

⌂ With a dog in their lap,
⌂ Reading a book or newspaper
⌂ Typing emails or texts at a green light,
⌂ Doing their makeup (or shaving),
⌂ People/star watching
⌂ Or some combination of any of the above.

Add to these distractions this weird thing that I have observed in LA – people are not the friendliest drivers in the world. If you put your blinker on to change lanes, for instance, a lot of folks out here see that as a signal to speed up and NOT let you in. Also, there is a tinge of hostility that I always “chalk up” to the fact that folks are driven mad by sitting in their cars for hours just to drive very short distances (it is maddening). In addition, folks act different (read, a lot bolder) when they think they are anonymous (you don’t flip someone off when you know you are going to see them at the 7-11 or your child’s school later that day).
Put all of those factors together with all of the tiny people driving HUGE SUVs and you have the perfect storm for an interesting (read, miserable) driving experience.

P.S. Golfers, rainy days in LA are the best days to hit those public courses that you typically avoid because of the crowds – just tell yourself that you are working on your “bad weather game.”

Crazy Day at LA ZOO

So..... It is a holiday weekend and we wanted to do something other than go to the beach (not that I am complaining that the beach is our "fall-back" plan in the middle of February). We decided that our baby boy would love a visit to the Los Angeles Zoo.. Now, we aren't unrealistic parents. Yes, we think our son is super special (he is relaxed, happy, smart, VERY handsome, etc.) but he has only been in the game for 9 months so we have adjusted our expectations accordingly. Thus, we didn't expect him to "see" every animal let alone be "into" the zoo. However, as is always the case with him, we were pleasantly surprised - not only with him but with the zoo.

We left our house yesterday sometime after noon and got to the zoo at around 1 PM (the longest part of the drive took place inside the park). We just found out there is a phenomenal short-cut from our house through Burbank to Griffith Park (I wish I had known about this sooner- it would have saved me A LOT of time driving back and forth to the golf course in the park). As soon as we hit the park, it became clear that we weren't the only people in LA who had the idea to go to the zoo during the long weekend - imagine that??!!

As we parked the car in an auxiliary parking lot, we could see the long line of people waiting to enter the zoo. We ALMOST turned around and drove to the beach but we decided to suck it up for our son's benefit (we promised each other that we would be EXTREMELY patient with the general public (more on THAT in a later post)). We rallied and got in an unnecessarily long line - we stood in that line all of 30 seconds. NO, we didn’t leave.. Rather, we simply took two side steps and signed up for a family membership (I think they let the line build up on purpose – sort of like Sprinkles Cupcakes – long line, great cupcakes).

Anyway, we finally entered the zoo and I have to say… we were pleasantly surprised! I wonder if all of my politics will be challenged now that I am father (my wife and I supposedly have “issues” with zoos).. Anyway, the zoo seemed well organized and manageable. Also, even though the parking lot was full, it didn’t “feel” crowded. This little zoo is the perfect size for parents with young children.
Why am I writing this blog? Well, if you are still reading, I am impressed and flattered. Here is why… Our son saw a few animals that probably blew his little mind – the first animals he noticed were the pink flamingos.. I have to tell you, if I wasn’t pushing him in the stroller, I probably would have walked right by these beautiful birds. I still wonder how his mind processed PINK BIRDS.

We saw giraffes and we saw gorillas! All of that would have been enough and I could write for pages just about watching our son see these beautiful animals for the first time. HOWEVER, I can’t take my mind off of the highlight of the day.. We had just spent $10 on a bottle of water and diet coke when we heard him…
Off in the distance, we heard what sounded like a wild monkey. In fact, it was so loud that we thought it was either being “piped in” to get visitors excited or a wild monkey had escaped. Then, just as quickly as it came, it was gone. We didn’t think anything of it again until about 30 minutes later when we reached the giraffe pen (which is across from the chimpanzees).

Here I am posing with my son in front of the giraffes when I see and hear one chimp go crazy and chase the other chimpanzees out of the little cave they have set up for them. The crazy chimp– clearly the largest of the group- chased the other 9 chimpanzees out of the cave and around the pen. There were about 100 people standing around watching his antics. We couldn’t resist- we were drawn to him like bugs to a light. We watched this chimp bully every other chimpanzee for 10 minutes and then he did something that sobered up the crowd - he stood up to his full height and started walking like a human being.. It freaked some of us out! Then, without warning, he was on the hunt again – he started chasing another chimpanzee over to the right side of the pen.

I followed the big chimp to the other side of the pen to get a closer look (it is the side where you can see the chimpanzees through the glass and the chimpanzees can walk right up to the glass)… I walked right up to glass with my son in my arms and there he was – 15 feet in front of us.. The big chimp was standing up-right, panting and looking very annoyed - he was looking down at the ground. Suddenly, he looked up and glared at me and my son. And, like a bolt of lightning, he charged us. I knew that there was a thick piece of glass separating us but it still shocking to have a wild animal “charge” you. He race right into the glass and smashed it with both of his fists. The force from the blow rocked the entire pen. I am a 6’3” 250 lb man and if that monkey had hit me with that blow, he would have snapped my neck or broken my back. People ran out of the area and children started crying. It was absolutely nuts!

One final note. What you probably don’t know is that my wife and I call our son “our little monkey” so we joked later that maybe this monkey thought I had stolen one of his children..

How to get and keep a woman!

I finally got a response/comment on one of my blogs (I have this fear that I will be writing to myself for the next few years) – in the comment/response to the 2/15 post “advice for pregnant friends and new parents,” Will asked about tips for getting and keeping a woman..

Well, I do have a few tips on this but I am much more comfortable giving advice to my female friends about how to “keep” a man (I always wonder why women ask other women for advice about that???). Anyway, it seems that most guys I know don’t have a problem “getting” a woman. Rather, the problem that most of my guy-friends have is “keeping” a woman and/or keeping a woman happy (this sounds like the beginning of a Seinfeld skit – anyone can “take” a reservation… the key is the “hold”).

Here is my disclaimer.. I am a guy who happens to have A LOT of friends who are women. And, I also happen to be in an exceptionally happy marriage.. So, my advice is based on MY observations, many many late-night conversations with my friends, and my own experiences. Last, I think that the following advice is applicable to A LOT of people (not just women) but not everyone so please don’t read into this that I think that there is some kind of “trick” or formula. I believe there are some “truisms” that can serve as guideposts along this journey we call relationships.

Here are a few.

Non-negotiables –I am a HUGE believer in having some things that you know you NEED in a relationship. Once you really establish them (and, by the way, not BS things like breast-size or hair color but things that matter like her values, the way she is in the world, the way she makes you feel, reciprocity, etc.) don’t waiver from them when looking for a partner (that is why they are non-negotiables J ).
Check your filters – this is closely related to the bullet above… If you are looking for a long-term relationship then don’t use the same “filters” you would use if you are just looking to “hook-up” or date.. I can’t tell you how many of my male friends who have been serial-daters don’t check their filters (or recalibrate them) when they are looking to find a real girlfriend or wife.. Yeah, this sounds like I am saying something I am not.. I am not saying that there are “two-types” of women –the ones you hook up with and the ones you marry- NO, what I am saying is that if you are casually dating, it may not matter that the woman you are dating is a little selfish, for instance. In fact, her selfishness may even be endearing in small doses but it may matter immensely/drive you crazy when you are spending every single day with her..
STEP-UP, BROTHER – This should have been first on my list because it is probably the most important thing you can do to keep a woman. There is nothing worse than seeing a guy complain about how much of a nag his wife or partner is and then see him do stuff like walk in the door and plop down on the couch to watch sportscenter while his wife (who has a full-time job too) is cleaning up, cooking dinner, taking care of kids, etc. I thought we learned something from the previous generations?? I think it is unfair because no one wants to be considered a nag and it is a messed up position to put someone in – I always say it is like when someone owes you money and they don’t repay you and you have to ask for it back (how would it feel if the person who owed you money called you a nag???).. Step up and find a partner not a surrogate mother…

Make sure you LIKE women – No, I am not asking you to question your sexual orientation (that will be the subject of a future post). I mean that you need to check yourself to make sure you “like” women. If you listen to a lot of men talk you would think that they can’t stand being around women EXCEPT when it is time to have sex. If you don’t enjoy the company of women then how in the world are you going to enjoy living with one for the rest of your life?

Romance- I almost left this off of the list because I thought it was a given but when I hear about what my brothers are doing out there, I thought it was better to be safe than sorry…. I am not going to write down a list of romantic things to do because I don’t know your partner (if anyone ever reads this and would like me to write down some things that have gone over well in my house, I will)... However, I will say that the following things are certain to help – well intentioned, thoughtful gestures go a LONG way. You don’t have to spend a lot of money to be romantic. Listen to her- if you are paying attention, you will hear what she wants and what will make her feel special. Write love letters/notes. Finally, smooch … (I have been on a mission to “BRING BACK SMOOCHING for a long time now!).
Communicate –Yes, this is probably the one piece of advice that you hear over and over and THERE IS A REASON FOR THAT!!!. If communication is a weak point for you, work on it. – period! Here is why it is so important- you can work through ALMOST anything if you can talk to and listen to your partner. Seriously! You always hear people say things like “the #1 reason marriages/relationships end is money.” I would amend that slightly to say that a lot of marriages/relationships end because of the inability to talk effectively about money…

Argue to understand not to win – A lot of us are hardwired to “win” all of the time – on the field, at work, etc. so it is hard to shut it down when dealing with your partner. Trust me, brother, find a way to leave your ego at the door – especially when you are arguing with your partner. Have you ever really heard yourself talk to your partner? Have you ever “won” an argument and felt like the biggest loser on the planet when your partner is sitting on the couch crying…(Not to sound like Dr. Phil here but – how’s being right working out for you?). I PROMISE, it will serve you in so many ways to tweak your argument/conversation approach to master the art of arguing to understand. What does this mean? Simply put, focus on trying to understand your partner rather than trying to prove how right you are will make life so much more enjoyable for you. In this approach, you should be able to make her “case” better than she can by the end of the discussion. There are times, bro, that you can both be right. And, there are times that you are absolutely right BUT who cares if you are sleeping on the couch later that evening.

Give your partner a freaking break. Finally, this piece of advice is FOR MEN ONLY…. It is the nature of the beast – there are some things that your partner is going to do that are just going to irk the hell out of you. They are probably things that she does often enough that you can expect them (if we were talking right now, you can probably enumerate them at the drop of a hat). Well, unless they are deal breakers, stop and ask yourself why you get so upset when she does whatever it is that irks you.. I bet you won’t come up with anything that you can’t look past – especially when you think about how much love her (remember what I said about “being right” above?). Make a conscious decision to give her a pass on those few things and move on ( give her the same break you’d give some random friend or stranger – isn’t funny how we all do that??). NOTE: by the way, this is not the same thing as what a lot of old men tell us to do – say “yes dear” to everything! I think that that is crappy advice because it is suggesting you just check out of your relationship and go along to get along – that doesn’t do anything for anyone!

The end of the "if only" game...

After 15 + years of playing the "if only" game, I think I am finally finished! I don't know what it is really called (maybe I should ask my therapist :) ) but I call it the "if only" game because I have wasted a lot of time wondering what would have happened "if only" - you can probably fill in the blank but here are a few examples: " If only I had taken the the offer at a law firm after passing the bar INSTEAD of working for a small nonprofit organization?" "If only I had not called off my first engagement with my wife (more on this long story later) 15 years ago?? "If only I had kids 10 years ago?"

The crazy thing about this game is that I always answered these questions with a series of amazing outcomes.. For instance, I would conclude (while sitting on my couch in my tiny apartment in Brooklyn, NY) that if I had taken the law job and married my wife 15 years ago, I would have 2 kids, a billion dollars, 7 published books, 6-pack abs, and 3 black labs..

Hmmm.. Maybe all of that is true... At the same time, it is also very possible that my wife and I could have caught malaria on our honeymoon in Africa and died.. Yeah, kind of extreme but, hey, ya' never know... AND, THAT IS THE POINT!!

If only I had a dollar for every time I have had someone say to me "everything happens for a reason" (wait, is this an "if only" scenario? - totally unintentional :) ). Even though I am completely open to the notion of universal wisdom, there are times where you just don't want to hear "everything happens for a reason" - probably because people tend to say it to you when something bad happens...

Imagine how many times we must have heard it last year when we had two miscarriages?? I have to tell you, it didn't help - sure, it was always said with the best of intentions and I would smile a knowing smile but inside I was thinking "BS - this can't be happening for any good reason - I am am being punished... If only...."

Well, now that we have a beautiful, healthy and happy 9 month old son, I FINALLY GET IT... IF I had done one thing differently, I may not have the son I have.. If we hadn't had the back-to-back miscarriages, if we had gotten married 15 years ago, if I had practiced law, we might have a child but we wouldn't have THIS child and I WOULD NOT CHANGE ONE THING IF IT MEANT NOT HAVING THE SON I HAVE...

I used to have a wanton disregard for the passage of time... NO MAS....

Advice for pregnant friends and new parents

Warning - this is an unbelievably long post so only read this if you are interested in these tips. Yes, I should have cut this up into several smaller posts so chalk it up to a blookie mistake (is that what you call a blogger rookie??).

I don’t pretend to be an expert about anything regarding parenting or pregnancy but I want to share a few things that my wife and I feel confident about (or wish we had known)..

While Still pregnant
Ø Yoga, yoga, yoga – my wife was thrilled that she took classes while she was pregnant - it helped her be a part of a community of pregnant women AND it worked miracles during the delivery

Ø Take Infant CPR class,
Ø Infant care class (especially learn to swaddle)..
Ø Make sure Dad goes to ALL classes (two heads are better than one because pregnancy brain is REAL and it is nice when Daddy can fully participate too).
Ø GET READY FOR BABY TO COME HOME = so much of the focus is on having the baby BUT we wish that we spent more time preparing for life after we got home with our son...
Ø Buy “happiest baby on the block” VIDEO and watch it BEFORE you have baby (we were literally up the first night at home with our son trying to watch the video and comfort him - truly pitiful)..
Ø Sit down with your partner and figure out what you want your birth experience to be like and draft a birth plan – ESPECIALLY if you are serious about not letting your child have formula or a pacifier for instance….
Ø Talk to each other about what will work for YOU (mommy) during labor and make sure you give your partner the “green light” to be your advocate with doctors and nurses…
Ø Start reading to baby now (have your partner read/sing “oh the places you’ll go in utero” book )
Ø If you haven’t, check out national geographic “in the womb” video (great images/very informative) http://shop.nationalgeographic.com/shopping/product/detailmain.jsp?itemID=2692&itemType=PRODUCT&RS=1&keyword=in+the+womb
Ø PILLOWS PILLOWS PILLOWS so mommy can sleep comfortably
Ø DO NOT BUY NURSING BRAS UNTIL 9th MONTH (even then, allow for additional growth).
Ø Do you have a store like “pump station” there? (i.e. a store that sells pumps, parts, clothes, etc. AND, offers classes on everything baby???). If so, take breastfeeding classes (have daddy go to classes too – it is important because “mommy brain” is real and you may forget stuff)..
Ø Can’t buy too many nursing tops (My wife uses them religiously).

In the Hospital
Ø Get one of those “hospital check lists” – we were happy we had the following:
o Hand-held fan for mom while she was in labor
o Music (make a disc or playlist and check and see if you have something to play it on).
o Massage tools for daddy to use on you while in labor (3-pronged massage tool, tennis ball, whatever works).
o Small Cooler
o Food & drink for both of you (Dad/partner will need to keep strength up too).
Ø Don’t bring nice/fancy clothes to hospital – don’t bring long gown
Ø Take EVERYTHING you can from hospital when you leave (you will use all of it)
Ø Small gifts for nurses because they do EVERYTHING leading up to the moment the baby arrives (eg., box of candy or something).
Ø Stay in hospital as long as possible (find out what the law REALLY allows)
Ø MAKE SURE THEY PUT BABY ON MOMMY’S CHEST INSTANTLY after baby is delivered (no delay at all). Spend that initial time soothing, crying, kissing, loving each other for as long as you can.. Baby will find your breast during that time – it is an amazing time!!
Ø Make sure Dad/partner goes with baby EVERYWHERE (even for initial cleaning) – it is kind of a dilemma for daddy at first because staying with baby means leaving mommy (BUT, in most cases, mommy can fend for herself unlike baby).

WE really liked having our son in our room all night in hospital (this was really important – despite what people say about letting mommy get sleep – trust us, baby will sleep = THAT IS ALL THEY DO AT FIRST)..
Ø Insist (have partner insist) on seeing lactation consultant EARLY in your hospital stay – don’t let them wait until the night before you leave.
Ø Have a “point person” to make the calls for you (make a phone list and give it to someone who can relay all of the info – weight, time, name, etc.).

When you get home
Ø Have disposable/mesh underwear waiting for you (in addition to the ones you took from the hospital).
Ø I am going to include a sample of an activity log (it is amazing how many things you keep a record of during the first months).
Ø HARD TO DO ….BUT TRY SLEEP WHENEVER THE BABY IS SLEEPING – it is hard because you are tempted to try and “get things done” when the baby finally falls asleep – FORGET THAT TEMPTATION and SLEEP>.. WE DID NOT FOLLOW THIS ADVICE AND STILL REGRET IT!!!
Ø BELLY/TUMMY TIME – no one told us how important this really is - it wasn’t stressed when we were coming up because we grew up sleeping on our stomachs –( BACK –TO-SLEEP movement started in ’94 (to prevent SIDS) and all of the accompanying sleepers, chairs, swings, etc, have forced our babies to be on their backs an inordinate amount of time). It wasn’t until our son was about 6 weeks that our Pediatrician suggested he spend A LOT more time on his belly – there are tons of articles that talk about the importance of “tummy time.” Check this one out http://wholebodyllc.com/_wsn/page4.html
Ø TONS OF SKIN-TO-SKIN contact (this is where daddy/ partner gets to be the “star” of the show because he can let baby sleep on his chest AND because your breasts may hurt too much OR all baby will want to do on your chest is feed NOT sleep).
Ø Don’t be shy about calling your pediatrician (you will feel like a crazy person at times but it is YOUR first baby and no one else’s)….

Products –

Ø Baby Beat (plays heart-sounding rhythms that are supposed to engage baby in utero)
Ø Co-sleeper (this has been great for us for home AND travel)
Ø Little bumpers to make sure he stays on his back when sleeping
Ø Mother Love nipple cream (all natural ingredients)- can get at Whole Food
Ø Pack-n-play
Ø Gripe water if he has gas
Ø ONLY BUY 1 box of N (new born) diapers in case he is too big for them (a lot of babies end up being between N and 1).


Secret Weapons/ Helpful hints

Ø Shower (running water)- our son loves the sound and feel of running water – it calms him down INSTANTLY –try it out (even when he gets shots, I rush him over to the faucet and he stops crying instantly – then, mommy breastfeeds him and he is fine)..
Ø Warm steamer for room
Ø First bath (fill it a little higher than books suggest – just as long as it doesn’t get in his ears at first–baby will be miserable if he is sitting in 1 inch of water – think about how you’d feel- )
Ø SLINGS (in addition to baby bjorns)– for BOTH OF YOU – one for you and PREMAXX for daddy (it is big enough for a man).
Ø Bouncy/yoga ball (large enough for either one of you to bounce on with Baby and great for you to just sit on, mommy during last few months of pregnancy– (very easy on your back)). PS. mommy, you won’t be able to bounce on this ball very much during the first few weeks .

Ø LEARN the ‘air chair” position – especially if baby has gas
Ø Have gripe water “on hand” (maybe even Mylicon if you are OK with that)..
Ø If baby does have gas, have mommy try some chamomile tea
Ø Learn infant massage techniques
Ø Mother’s Milk tea (for breast feeding).
Ø Netflix
Ø Daddy can massage mommy's legs and feet when you are feeding
Ø Encourage daddy to change MAJORITY of diapers during first few weeks (especially at night – ALL ABOUT SOLIDARITY, brother).


You will get to know your baby very quickly and the best advice that someone gave us is to trust our instincts and trust whatever strategies work for you (just trust the process)..


FINALLY, this piece of advice could have fit in any of the above categories so we put it at the end so it’ll stand out.. You have probably already noticed that, while being pregnant is AWESOME, it is also an invitation for EVERYONE to offer unsolicited advice (this memo notwithstanding) – take what works for y’all and move on…

However, there is something that is subtle but inevitable – some folks get into a competition with each other about almost EVERYTHING having to do with their babies (e.g., how much did your baby weigh? How much weight is he gaining? Are you breast feeding? How much does he sleep? Is he colicky? Etc. – you may have already seen signs of it but it gets worse). IGNORE THIS CRAP! Also, do what works for you and don’t let groups like La Leche League make you feel any way at all about what you are doing – TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS (my sister, is amazing at this and my wife has become amazing at this and you will be amazing at this – YOU KNOW YOUR BABY BETTER THAN ANYONE ON THE PLANET = even your pediatrician).



OOOOPPPSSS>. One last piece of stealthy advice – one that we REALLY stand behind and that you probably won’t hear from a lot of folks (we got it from our first pediatrician).. If you are planning to travel with baby in the first year (and you happen to be breastfeeding), be sure to use a dropper to put drops of breastmilk in his eyes and nose (breastmilk is a magic cure-all elixir or something- SERIOUSLY). Also, if you are going to be around a lot of folks you can do this as a preemptive measure (you can even do it if baby does, in fact, get sick)..