I finally got a response/comment on one of my blogs (I have this fear that I will be writing to myself for the next few years) – in the comment/response to the 2/15 post “advice for pregnant friends and new parents,” Will asked about tips for getting and keeping a woman..
Well, I do have a few tips on this but I am much more comfortable giving advice to my female friends about how to “keep” a man (I always wonder why women ask other women for advice about that???). Anyway, it seems that most guys I know don’t have a problem “getting” a woman. Rather, the problem that most of my guy-friends have is “keeping” a woman and/or keeping a woman happy (this sounds like the beginning of a Seinfeld skit – anyone can “take” a reservation… the key is the “hold”).
Here is my disclaimer.. I am a guy who happens to have A LOT of friends who are women. And, I also happen to be in an exceptionally happy marriage.. So, my advice is based on MY observations, many many late-night conversations with my friends, and my own experiences. Last, I think that the following advice is applicable to A LOT of people (not just women) but not everyone so please don’t read into this that I think that there is some kind of “trick” or formula. I believe there are some “truisms” that can serve as guideposts along this journey we call relationships.
Here are a few.
Non-negotiables –I am a HUGE believer in having some things that you know you NEED in a relationship. Once you really establish them (and, by the way, not BS things like breast-size or hair color but things that matter like her values, the way she is in the world, the way she makes you feel, reciprocity, etc.) don’t waiver from them when looking for a partner (that is why they are non-negotiables J ).
Check your filters – this is closely related to the bullet above… If you are looking for a long-term relationship then don’t use the same “filters” you would use if you are just looking to “hook-up” or date.. I can’t tell you how many of my male friends who have been serial-daters don’t check their filters (or recalibrate them) when they are looking to find a real girlfriend or wife.. Yeah, this sounds like I am saying something I am not.. I am not saying that there are “two-types” of women –the ones you hook up with and the ones you marry- NO, what I am saying is that if you are casually dating, it may not matter that the woman you are dating is a little selfish, for instance. In fact, her selfishness may even be endearing in small doses but it may matter immensely/drive you crazy when you are spending every single day with her..
STEP-UP, BROTHER – This should have been first on my list because it is probably the most important thing you can do to keep a woman. There is nothing worse than seeing a guy complain about how much of a nag his wife or partner is and then see him do stuff like walk in the door and plop down on the couch to watch sportscenter while his wife (who has a full-time job too) is cleaning up, cooking dinner, taking care of kids, etc. I thought we learned something from the previous generations?? I think it is unfair because no one wants to be considered a nag and it is a messed up position to put someone in – I always say it is like when someone owes you money and they don’t repay you and you have to ask for it back (how would it feel if the person who owed you money called you a nag???).. Step up and find a partner not a surrogate mother…
Make sure you LIKE women – No, I am not asking you to question your sexual orientation (that will be the subject of a future post). I mean that you need to check yourself to make sure you “like” women. If you listen to a lot of men talk you would think that they can’t stand being around women EXCEPT when it is time to have sex. If you don’t enjoy the company of women then how in the world are you going to enjoy living with one for the rest of your life?
Romance- I almost left this off of the list because I thought it was a given but when I hear about what my brothers are doing out there, I thought it was better to be safe than sorry…. I am not going to write down a list of romantic things to do because I don’t know your partner (if anyone ever reads this and would like me to write down some things that have gone over well in my house, I will)... However, I will say that the following things are certain to help – well intentioned, thoughtful gestures go a LONG way. You don’t have to spend a lot of money to be romantic. Listen to her- if you are paying attention, you will hear what she wants and what will make her feel special. Write love letters/notes. Finally, smooch … (I have been on a mission to “BRING BACK SMOOCHING for a long time now!).
Communicate –Yes, this is probably the one piece of advice that you hear over and over and THERE IS A REASON FOR THAT!!!. If communication is a weak point for you, work on it. – period! Here is why it is so important- you can work through ALMOST anything if you can talk to and listen to your partner. Seriously! You always hear people say things like “the #1 reason marriages/relationships end is money.” I would amend that slightly to say that a lot of marriages/relationships end because of the inability to talk effectively about money…
Argue to understand not to win – A lot of us are hardwired to “win” all of the time – on the field, at work, etc. so it is hard to shut it down when dealing with your partner. Trust me, brother, find a way to leave your ego at the door – especially when you are arguing with your partner. Have you ever really heard yourself talk to your partner? Have you ever “won” an argument and felt like the biggest loser on the planet when your partner is sitting on the couch crying…(Not to sound like Dr. Phil here but – how’s being right working out for you?). I PROMISE, it will serve you in so many ways to tweak your argument/conversation approach to master the art of arguing to understand. What does this mean? Simply put, focus on trying to understand your partner rather than trying to prove how right you are will make life so much more enjoyable for you. In this approach, you should be able to make her “case” better than she can by the end of the discussion. There are times, bro, that you can both be right. And, there are times that you are absolutely right BUT who cares if you are sleeping on the couch later that evening.
Give your partner a freaking break. Finally, this piece of advice is FOR MEN ONLY…. It is the nature of the beast – there are some things that your partner is going to do that are just going to irk the hell out of you. They are probably things that she does often enough that you can expect them (if we were talking right now, you can probably enumerate them at the drop of a hat). Well, unless they are deal breakers, stop and ask yourself why you get so upset when she does whatever it is that irks you.. I bet you won’t come up with anything that you can’t look past – especially when you think about how much love her (remember what I said about “being right” above?). Make a conscious decision to give her a pass on those few things and move on ( give her the same break you’d give some random friend or stranger – isn’t funny how we all do that??). NOTE: by the way, this is not the same thing as what a lot of old men tell us to do – say “yes dear” to everything! I think that that is crappy advice because it is suggesting you just check out of your relationship and go along to get along – that doesn’t do anything for anyone!
Well, I do have a few tips on this but I am much more comfortable giving advice to my female friends about how to “keep” a man (I always wonder why women ask other women for advice about that???). Anyway, it seems that most guys I know don’t have a problem “getting” a woman. Rather, the problem that most of my guy-friends have is “keeping” a woman and/or keeping a woman happy (this sounds like the beginning of a Seinfeld skit – anyone can “take” a reservation… the key is the “hold”).
Here is my disclaimer.. I am a guy who happens to have A LOT of friends who are women. And, I also happen to be in an exceptionally happy marriage.. So, my advice is based on MY observations, many many late-night conversations with my friends, and my own experiences. Last, I think that the following advice is applicable to A LOT of people (not just women) but not everyone so please don’t read into this that I think that there is some kind of “trick” or formula. I believe there are some “truisms” that can serve as guideposts along this journey we call relationships.
Here are a few.
Non-negotiables –I am a HUGE believer in having some things that you know you NEED in a relationship. Once you really establish them (and, by the way, not BS things like breast-size or hair color but things that matter like her values, the way she is in the world, the way she makes you feel, reciprocity, etc.) don’t waiver from them when looking for a partner (that is why they are non-negotiables J ).
Check your filters – this is closely related to the bullet above… If you are looking for a long-term relationship then don’t use the same “filters” you would use if you are just looking to “hook-up” or date.. I can’t tell you how many of my male friends who have been serial-daters don’t check their filters (or recalibrate them) when they are looking to find a real girlfriend or wife.. Yeah, this sounds like I am saying something I am not.. I am not saying that there are “two-types” of women –the ones you hook up with and the ones you marry- NO, what I am saying is that if you are casually dating, it may not matter that the woman you are dating is a little selfish, for instance. In fact, her selfishness may even be endearing in small doses but it may matter immensely/drive you crazy when you are spending every single day with her..
STEP-UP, BROTHER – This should have been first on my list because it is probably the most important thing you can do to keep a woman. There is nothing worse than seeing a guy complain about how much of a nag his wife or partner is and then see him do stuff like walk in the door and plop down on the couch to watch sportscenter while his wife (who has a full-time job too) is cleaning up, cooking dinner, taking care of kids, etc. I thought we learned something from the previous generations?? I think it is unfair because no one wants to be considered a nag and it is a messed up position to put someone in – I always say it is like when someone owes you money and they don’t repay you and you have to ask for it back (how would it feel if the person who owed you money called you a nag???).. Step up and find a partner not a surrogate mother…
Make sure you LIKE women – No, I am not asking you to question your sexual orientation (that will be the subject of a future post). I mean that you need to check yourself to make sure you “like” women. If you listen to a lot of men talk you would think that they can’t stand being around women EXCEPT when it is time to have sex. If you don’t enjoy the company of women then how in the world are you going to enjoy living with one for the rest of your life?
Romance- I almost left this off of the list because I thought it was a given but when I hear about what my brothers are doing out there, I thought it was better to be safe than sorry…. I am not going to write down a list of romantic things to do because I don’t know your partner (if anyone ever reads this and would like me to write down some things that have gone over well in my house, I will)... However, I will say that the following things are certain to help – well intentioned, thoughtful gestures go a LONG way. You don’t have to spend a lot of money to be romantic. Listen to her- if you are paying attention, you will hear what she wants and what will make her feel special. Write love letters/notes. Finally, smooch … (I have been on a mission to “BRING BACK SMOOCHING for a long time now!).
Communicate –Yes, this is probably the one piece of advice that you hear over and over and THERE IS A REASON FOR THAT!!!. If communication is a weak point for you, work on it. – period! Here is why it is so important- you can work through ALMOST anything if you can talk to and listen to your partner. Seriously! You always hear people say things like “the #1 reason marriages/relationships end is money.” I would amend that slightly to say that a lot of marriages/relationships end because of the inability to talk effectively about money…
Argue to understand not to win – A lot of us are hardwired to “win” all of the time – on the field, at work, etc. so it is hard to shut it down when dealing with your partner. Trust me, brother, find a way to leave your ego at the door – especially when you are arguing with your partner. Have you ever really heard yourself talk to your partner? Have you ever “won” an argument and felt like the biggest loser on the planet when your partner is sitting on the couch crying…(Not to sound like Dr. Phil here but – how’s being right working out for you?). I PROMISE, it will serve you in so many ways to tweak your argument/conversation approach to master the art of arguing to understand. What does this mean? Simply put, focus on trying to understand your partner rather than trying to prove how right you are will make life so much more enjoyable for you. In this approach, you should be able to make her “case” better than she can by the end of the discussion. There are times, bro, that you can both be right. And, there are times that you are absolutely right BUT who cares if you are sleeping on the couch later that evening.
Give your partner a freaking break. Finally, this piece of advice is FOR MEN ONLY…. It is the nature of the beast – there are some things that your partner is going to do that are just going to irk the hell out of you. They are probably things that she does often enough that you can expect them (if we were talking right now, you can probably enumerate them at the drop of a hat). Well, unless they are deal breakers, stop and ask yourself why you get so upset when she does whatever it is that irks you.. I bet you won’t come up with anything that you can’t look past – especially when you think about how much love her (remember what I said about “being right” above?). Make a conscious decision to give her a pass on those few things and move on ( give her the same break you’d give some random friend or stranger – isn’t funny how we all do that??). NOTE: by the way, this is not the same thing as what a lot of old men tell us to do – say “yes dear” to everything! I think that that is crappy advice because it is suggesting you just check out of your relationship and go along to get along – that doesn’t do anything for anyone!
1 comment:
Good advice, but every woman is different. Most men don't realize that the most effective way to make a woman happy is by listening to her.
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