Swing thoughts -1 in a series

So, today, I spent 45 minutes at the driving range and something hit me while I was struggling with the "same old same old" - I think I am swaying and that would explain a lot of the things I do on my downswing that drive me nuts (I've heard it said that the golf swing is a series of compensations). So, I started trying to "turn into" my right side on my backswing (with an emphasis on turning into my right hip and uncoiling from there - it felt great and I had A LOT more power). I am going to keep working on this and also try to see if I can find a better way to articulate what I am doing.

Wish me luck.

My Big Banana Slip Up!

YELLOW was the color of the banana peel that I threw out of my window at the car of the impatient driver who could not stop honking at me as we inched our way down Arlington Blvd. OH MY GOD! I was driving to a meeting near USC and I made the mistake of taking Arlington Blvd. Now, I don’t have anything against a street named Arlington- especially since I consider Northern VA home!! However, everyone on the west side of LA seems to think that this is the best way to get to I-10.

Brownish- black is the color of the banana residue that is probably still on her window right now. I am not sure why this woman got under MYskin – maybe because it was early and I was late. Maybe it was because she was riding my bumper on the passenger side of my car and couldn’t see that there was a car 2’ in front of me and a car 2’ in front of that car and so on and so on.. Maybe it is because she was driving a Honda Civic and I have my issues with civic drivers. OR, MAYBE IT WAS BECAUSE SHE KEPT HONKING AT ME AS IF SHE WANTED ME TO RUN OVER THE CAR IN FRONT OF ME and is apparently too stupid to at least move to the other side of my car and SEE if there is a car in front of me (she also could have deduced that since the line of cars was a mile long).

Red was the color of my brown cheeks by the time I was able to get out of her way (the right lane was blocked by a broken down garbage truck). I pulled over and she jumped into the turning lane to get onto I-10 (and she actually had the nerve to look shocked when she saw traffic jamming up the lanes – she had to slam on her brakes as she tried to zip past me)…

Green was the color of my insides as I stepped out of character and started honking at her! I was so annoyed (although not mad) and I wanted her to look at me as she passed but she just looked straight ahead.. That is what really irked me – I wanted to ask her “where in the hell could I go? Do you want me to run over the Cadillac that was basically parked in front of me?” As I watched her ride the bumper of the guy next to me, I was finishing up the banana I was eating when something came over me and before I knew it a banana peel was soaring from my car to her passenger window (don’t you love how I switched to “passive voice” right there like I had nothing to do with it).

Silver is the color of my halo as I tell you that THIS behavior is WAAAYYYY out of character for me. I consider myself an excellent driver- excellent because I am very aware of what is going on around me, I take safety seriously, I watch and anticipate other drivers, and I am considerate and patient. However, I am always amazed by all of the poor driving that goes on around me (there is never a day that goes by that I don’t see something egregious)… I like to comment on the driving but that is it.. I honestly can’t say what came over me!!

White is the color of the flag that I am waving right now. IT IS TIME FOR ME TO GET THE HELL OUT OF LA.. I am not meant to be here – I don’t do well in city this large where no one seems to “see” each other and everyone is anonymous.

Special note on Karma = I paid $8 to park in the garage at USC and I left my car in a spot marked for the Sizzler restaurant (they weren’t open) and I got a $50 ticket. As my grandmother says “God doesn’t like ugly.” What can I say.. I am a work in progress..

My "Do the Right Thing" moment at the GAP

Yes, we are still making the rookie-parent mistake of shopping at the GAP but we may have been cured of this “issue”/habit by what happened the other day.. Before I go any further, let me say – I promise that this blog will not a place for me to rant and rave about all of the wrongs I encounter on a daily/weekly basis – I want it to be a positive thing BUT.. I’ve got to make an exception here.

So… me and my family went to the GAP at the Grove the other day to pick up some socks and “winter clothes” for our trip back east next week. We have been to this GAP a million times over the past 18 months (we got a ton of maternity clothes there too) so the changes jumped out at us relatively quickly. We walked up to the counter to pay adult prices for baby clothes and that is when I really “saw” the picture behind the counter. The picture behind the counter was probably 10’ x 5’ and had four babies smiling at us - all four of the babies were white baby boys. This was curious but I thought that maybe they were supposed to be brothers or something so I looked around at the other pictures in the room – there were probably a total of 12 baby pictures hanging in this department and only one was a child of color. Then, I looked at the customers and the department was packed with people of all colors.. And, the three women working behind the counter were Latinas.

Of course, I said something to the woman ringing us up! Here is how the conversation went:

Me: What up with the pictures?
Saleswoman: (laughing a knowing laugh): Don’t say anything…
Me: Seriously, I feel like I am in a Spike Lee movie - Yo… how come there ain’t no brothas up on the wall? On ANY of the walls
SW –(Laughing and looking around ) I did notice the picture behind us… We (nodding at the other women behind the counter with her) talked about that but I hadn’t really noticed the other pictures – it does look crazy doesn’t it?
Me; Crazy? It looks Hitler does your marketing!
SW – WOW. Actually, these people entered their babies in a competition
Me (holding my stunningly beautiful son) so did I – I guess he doesn’t fit the GAP ideal..
SW: NO? your son is beautiful!
Me; Yeah, we entered him. Then, (pointing to a sweet little Asian girl in a carriage next to us) – what about her ? She is perfect.SW: she is perfect isn’t she?!
Me; Yes, Marketing folks are just like casting directors in Hollywood. Maybe we should boycott GAP.
SW – (smiling and being surprisingly patient with my rant) don’t boycott us!
Me: Jeez, this is JUST like watching television –

Of course, I talked all of that trash and STILL bought all of my son’s clothes. However, I did get the address for the corporate offices and I will write a letter.
I know that no one from GAP will ever read this blog and they probably won’t even read my letter so I will share the highlights from this letter with you:
I will describe what happened during my recent visit. Then I will stress the following.

I am really distressed by the message you are sending to your customers. I believe that your in-store photos should reflect the wide array of people who shop at your store (like your ads that attract people to the store). AMERICA shops at GAP and America is diverse. Your in-store marketing tells me that you only value your white customers and don’t care about all of the money that the rest of America spends in your stores. What it also tells me is that your executive team is not very diverse.. SERIOUSLY, GAP, it is 2008!

I will go on and on in this letter then I will ask them to explain themselves. You know this brings up a much larger point for me – I am really sick and tired of having this thrown in my face --- The most recent example of this was the freaking Writer’s strike (I was calling it the “Whiter’s strike”) - I would have been embarrassed to strike if I was them – it looked like a damn Boston Fireman’s labor strike from the 1930s.

Look, I am going to stop here because I don’t want to waste any more time on the freaking GAP.. There are much bigger social issues that I should address and the pictures on the walls of the baby section of the GAP in Los Angeles is not the appropriate place to start! So, I am going to leave this for now but I am going to begin to engage all two of my readers in a much longer and deeper discussion about the many “isms” that are constantly at play in our society.

In the meantime, GAP - WAAAAAKKKKKEEEE UPPPPPPPPPP!!! (for all of your Spike Lee fans).

Actually, I like Phil Mickelson…

Yes, it is kind of weird that I am writing about Phil Mickelson at the beginning of what promises to be the greatest year in golf ever – Tiger is going to have a phenomenal year ! I predict that he will win all of the majors and win an incredible number of tournaments (I don’t see him losing for a long time :) - he will win this match play today – no disrespect to Cink fans!).

This may come as a shock to some of my friends who know me well (the good thing is that most of my friends aren’t going to read this :) ). Irrespective of all of the trash that I talk about Phil, I have always liked his game and I respect the way he has carried himself in the Shadow of Tiger Woods – DESPITE HOW THE MEDIA TRIES TO VILLIFY HIM. Before Tiger was “on the scene” (actually, avid golf fans knew who Tiger was years before he hit the PGA so he has been “on the scene” a lot longer than most folks realize), Phil was supposed to be “THE MAN.” In fact, when Phil won the Northern Telecom Open in 1990 as an amateur, expectations for his career shot through the roof.

And, I complain about playing the “if only” game (see 2/16/08 post ) – imagine being inside Phil’s head?

Sure, Phil might have won a lot more tournaments if Tiger decided to quit golf and become a jazz musician but would Phil have made as much money and would you watch him play every weekend? I have heard Phil acknowledge that most likely, the answer to both of those questions is NO! And, that is why I like Phil – He has been gracious in defeat (despite the countless misquotes) and he has acknowledged what Tiger brings to the game. I give Phil “props” because Tiger has overtly eclipsed his career more than any other guy on the PGA tour (Ernie Els’ countless second place finishes to Tiger notwithstanding) and I would at least UNDERSTAND if Phil was a “hater.” However, he is not.

Yes, Phil will try to prop himself up too – he will talk about his game improvements, equipment changes, and the fact that he feels like he can beat Tiger. And people get mad at him but WHAT ELSE IS HE SUPPOSED TO DO? He is a professional athlete for God’s sake!

So, for the record, I like Phil Mickelson. HOWEVER, I DO NOT LIKE WHAT I THINK MOTIVATES A LOT OF HIS FAN BASE… At first I wasn’t mad at the fact that people were rooting for Phil – I love a good match as much as anyone and I love the UNDERDOG. However, as time went by I started to feel something else underlying all of this support for Phil – an anti-Tiger sentiment! I find that curious because it almost feels like folks are looking for a GREAT WHITE HOPE in an ALL WHITE SPORT! The PGA tour hasn’t exactly become the WBO. Tiger is the only African American who you see on the tour and Tiger Woods is not Jack Johnson!
A great white hope in GOLF? Really?! Golf fans who don’t love Tiger Woods, should take a really long, hard look in the mirror. Now, relax, I am not calling you a racist – yet! And, no I am not lumping you into the same group of folks who I’ve heard say “goddamn Tiger Woods when they’ve seen people of color walk to the first tee (these guys usually don’t like women on the course either – JESUS, I hope none of them are democrats this year : ) ). And, no, I am not saying that you are same as the folks that assume that every African American golfer started playing after they saw Tiger Woods play – Sure, you are very aware that just because we weren’t allowed to play on many courses doesn’t mean that we weren’t playing (a lot of those black caddies could have won a lot of tournaments - more on the asterisks I want to put on sports records before the early 70’s later).

This is what I love about Tiger Woods. Let me say this, up front, I don’t know the guy but how many of us know the people we watch play sports every weekend? I get the feeling that I wouldn’t necessarily want to hang out with him (just like Michael Jordan – fun to watch but I’d hate to drive across country with him) as I get the sense that they have a hard time relaxing and having fun (egos and over- competitiveness probably get in the way). However, as a public figure and representative golf, YOU’VE TO LOVE TIGER WOODS.

Tiger is the consummate professional and carries himself like a gentleman – in victory or defeat. (Tiger brought back taking off your cap when shaking your opponent’s hand). Tiger works hard on his game and takes immaculate care of his body – he respects his sport/profession. Tiger NEVER QUITS! Tiger has thrilled all of us many times over the past 15 years (I bet you can think of an amazing shot, round, comeback, broken record, streak, etc. that Tiger has shared with us and you have shared with your friends on the course). Tiger has made golf cool (when we were kids, the non-athletic kids or country club kids played golf – the rest of us played to hang with our dads J ). Tiger made hanging with your dad cool for kids – his relationship with his late father made a lot of guys reflect on their own relationships with their own fathers or sons. Tiger is charitable as hell! Tiger is a winner!

Finally, Phil Mickelson could and would add pages to my list of reasons why you should love Tiger Woods (I heard Phil joke once that Tiger has made him rich). If you don’t like Tiger Woods, please ask yourself why? And, let me know what you come up with!?!

Not to jinx myself but.......

I am happy to report that my year is off to a completely different start than any other year in my adult life! I am actually working towards reaching my goals. Sure I have kept small resolutions like working out regularly but this year it is completely different! One reason is that I am trying something completely different. Here is what I THINK is working for me –

1) I listed my goals and some objectives (I always do this).
2) I sat down and figured out my “patterns” and traps and developed strategies for what I was going to do when I started to fall back into old patterns
3) I am working hard to be “present” when I make decisions (easiest example is not eating “crap” mindlessly
4) I identified “replacement behaviors” (e.g., drinking tea when I feel anxious rather than eating a snack).
5) HERE IS THE BIGGIE – I started catching myself when I am talking/feeling negatively about and to myself. I would never talk to a friend or loved one that way so I had to “check” myself. I realized that these were simply tapes playing over and over in my head. So now, I consciously press “pause” and re-tape different messages over those old messages.


There are two things that I need to add to my game plan. First, I need to find someone to hold me accountable. Second, I need to get in the habit of revisiting my goals daily.

If you are reading this, feel free to check back with me and hold me accountable.

Sharing your gifts

Today I had lunch with a good friend of mine who paid me one of the nicest compliments that I have received in a long time. Wait, let me start at the beginning- well, sort of at the beginning. My buddy came in to the restaurant and he was beaming – almost literally. I immediately asked him how things were going as he was jumping out his skin. He proceeded to tell me that he has never been happier since he left his job 6 weeks ago. Here is the compliment – he said that he had ME to thank for this decision and the accompanying happiness! What?

2 months ago we had lunch together near my office – right after he took a new job- and he was NOT happy. In fact, he was borderline miserable and I understood exactly why he felt that way.. He left a very comfy and cozy job to take a job that logic said he couldn’t refuse. However, two weeks into the job he had the feeling that I always get every time I take a new job – a feeling that I don’t think I have the words to express. It is a feeling of heaviness in your stomach that stems from not doing something true to yourself and for some of us out here, WORKING for someone else is not being true to ourselves. My friend wants to be a working writer and every job he takes makes him feel one step further away from that goal.

So, 2 months ago I sat down and talked with him about where he was and how he was going to get where he wanted to go.. Side note for those of you who don’t know me yet – I AM AMAZING AT HELPING PEOPLE GET WHAT THEY WANT (I even talked a colleague into quitting smoking over tea during a staff retreat – 1 year later she still has not had a smoke) BUT I CAN’T SEEM TO DO IT FOR MYSELF. He and I talked about our upbringings and how we watched our baby-boomer dads work at the same gigs for decades (more on baby boomers later) and how that paradigm has shaped who we are now. We also talked about fear and the passage of time. I don’t know exactly what I said to him – I do know that I said it with passion and I suggested that it was now or never. I told him that since he has a phenomenal wife who would totally support this decision, he should do it while he is still flexible (no mortgage.. no kids). I told him about all of the things that I have wanted to do and “sat on my hands” and watched less talented people succeed where I didn't even try. A reckless disregard for the passage of time! (see 2/16 post).

I talked on and on during that lunch ( in fact, I felt a little bad because I usually try not to “hog” conversations because I don’t want to sound like a lawyer). I am passionate about this because I truly believe that when you are gifted at something you have a duty to share it with the world. Well, something in my words and passion must have resonated with my buddy because he went home and told his wife that he was going to quit and give the writing “thing” a try. She laughed because she couldn’t believe that she has been trying to convince him to do this for years and after 1 lunch with me, he was ready..

Today, he shared with me that almost as soon as he made the decision to quit and break out on his own, doors started swinging wide open and people in his life (including his parents) surprised him with their support. This is exactly how the universe works – at least as I understand it!!
I can guarantee that he is going to be a phenomenally successful writer and YOU will know his writing in the very near future – MARK MY WORDS and I promise to keep you posted!

Questions for you.

1) How do I persuade my brilliant photographer friend to truly break out and let the world experience his gift? He and I suffer from something else – we take rejection personally. Listen, my friend is a PHENOMENAL PHOTOGRAPHER – his work is stunning – visit http://www.raymondjonesimages.com/

2) How do I convince my other buddy to use his brilliant mind to help shape some of the public discourse in this country – he ought to be ashamed of himself that Michael Eric Dyson is out there “making it happen” and he is not!
Both of these friends are being selfish (not in a malicious way) with their talent and they need to let their lights shine for the rest of us. HOW CAN I HELP???

3) Don’t even get my started on my other friend and the book(s) he should have written by now- if you want to check out a real writer’s blog- see http://www.dawnsonink.net/ - jump on his site and tell him that he needs to write his book (this is not the same friend that I had lunch with).

A rainy day in Los Angeles

Well, as you know, I am an East Coaster trapped on the West Coast (I moved here to get married so forgive my whining) and I LOVE rainy days – it makes me feel like I am in a season (pick a season- any season). One crazy thing about living out here is that you lose a sense of the seasons and I didn’t realize how important they were for me UNTIL I didn’t have them.. Seriously, it affects me in many ways but one odd way is that I can’t remember when anything happened anymore – I used to use the seasons to narrow down when things happened (e.g., there was snow on the ground.. so we must have started dating in the winter J ).

But here is the craziest thing about rain in LA. ANGELENOS CAN’T SEEM TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO DRIVE IN THE RAIN! Aren’t most of the folks who live here from somewhere else? I don’t know what it is but if you venture out on a rainy day, the roads look like Virginia roads during an ice storm. People are braking incessantly, sliding, and bending fenders all over the city. At the same, there seems to be this tug of war between drivers who see the rain as an opportunity to drive even faster and the drivers who believe it is a signal to drive half the speed limit.

But here is the dirty little secret. ANGELENOS CAN’T DRIVE WHEN IT IS NOT RAINING! I lived here 16 years ago and traffic was bad BUT folks seemed to be paying attention. I came back and I was SHOCKED to see how bad things had become - I am not lying when I say that not a day goes by when I don’t see someone behind the wheel:

⌂ With a dog in their lap,
⌂ Reading a book or newspaper
⌂ Typing emails or texts at a green light,
⌂ Doing their makeup (or shaving),
⌂ People/star watching
⌂ Or some combination of any of the above.

Add to these distractions this weird thing that I have observed in LA – people are not the friendliest drivers in the world. If you put your blinker on to change lanes, for instance, a lot of folks out here see that as a signal to speed up and NOT let you in. Also, there is a tinge of hostility that I always “chalk up” to the fact that folks are driven mad by sitting in their cars for hours just to drive very short distances (it is maddening). In addition, folks act different (read, a lot bolder) when they think they are anonymous (you don’t flip someone off when you know you are going to see them at the 7-11 or your child’s school later that day).
Put all of those factors together with all of the tiny people driving HUGE SUVs and you have the perfect storm for an interesting (read, miserable) driving experience.

P.S. Golfers, rainy days in LA are the best days to hit those public courses that you typically avoid because of the crowds – just tell yourself that you are working on your “bad weather game.”

Crazy Day at LA ZOO

So..... It is a holiday weekend and we wanted to do something other than go to the beach (not that I am complaining that the beach is our "fall-back" plan in the middle of February). We decided that our baby boy would love a visit to the Los Angeles Zoo.. Now, we aren't unrealistic parents. Yes, we think our son is super special (he is relaxed, happy, smart, VERY handsome, etc.) but he has only been in the game for 9 months so we have adjusted our expectations accordingly. Thus, we didn't expect him to "see" every animal let alone be "into" the zoo. However, as is always the case with him, we were pleasantly surprised - not only with him but with the zoo.

We left our house yesterday sometime after noon and got to the zoo at around 1 PM (the longest part of the drive took place inside the park). We just found out there is a phenomenal short-cut from our house through Burbank to Griffith Park (I wish I had known about this sooner- it would have saved me A LOT of time driving back and forth to the golf course in the park). As soon as we hit the park, it became clear that we weren't the only people in LA who had the idea to go to the zoo during the long weekend - imagine that??!!

As we parked the car in an auxiliary parking lot, we could see the long line of people waiting to enter the zoo. We ALMOST turned around and drove to the beach but we decided to suck it up for our son's benefit (we promised each other that we would be EXTREMELY patient with the general public (more on THAT in a later post)). We rallied and got in an unnecessarily long line - we stood in that line all of 30 seconds. NO, we didn’t leave.. Rather, we simply took two side steps and signed up for a family membership (I think they let the line build up on purpose – sort of like Sprinkles Cupcakes – long line, great cupcakes).

Anyway, we finally entered the zoo and I have to say… we were pleasantly surprised! I wonder if all of my politics will be challenged now that I am father (my wife and I supposedly have “issues” with zoos).. Anyway, the zoo seemed well organized and manageable. Also, even though the parking lot was full, it didn’t “feel” crowded. This little zoo is the perfect size for parents with young children.
Why am I writing this blog? Well, if you are still reading, I am impressed and flattered. Here is why… Our son saw a few animals that probably blew his little mind – the first animals he noticed were the pink flamingos.. I have to tell you, if I wasn’t pushing him in the stroller, I probably would have walked right by these beautiful birds. I still wonder how his mind processed PINK BIRDS.

We saw giraffes and we saw gorillas! All of that would have been enough and I could write for pages just about watching our son see these beautiful animals for the first time. HOWEVER, I can’t take my mind off of the highlight of the day.. We had just spent $10 on a bottle of water and diet coke when we heard him…
Off in the distance, we heard what sounded like a wild monkey. In fact, it was so loud that we thought it was either being “piped in” to get visitors excited or a wild monkey had escaped. Then, just as quickly as it came, it was gone. We didn’t think anything of it again until about 30 minutes later when we reached the giraffe pen (which is across from the chimpanzees).

Here I am posing with my son in front of the giraffes when I see and hear one chimp go crazy and chase the other chimpanzees out of the little cave they have set up for them. The crazy chimp– clearly the largest of the group- chased the other 9 chimpanzees out of the cave and around the pen. There were about 100 people standing around watching his antics. We couldn’t resist- we were drawn to him like bugs to a light. We watched this chimp bully every other chimpanzee for 10 minutes and then he did something that sobered up the crowd - he stood up to his full height and started walking like a human being.. It freaked some of us out! Then, without warning, he was on the hunt again – he started chasing another chimpanzee over to the right side of the pen.

I followed the big chimp to the other side of the pen to get a closer look (it is the side where you can see the chimpanzees through the glass and the chimpanzees can walk right up to the glass)… I walked right up to glass with my son in my arms and there he was – 15 feet in front of us.. The big chimp was standing up-right, panting and looking very annoyed - he was looking down at the ground. Suddenly, he looked up and glared at me and my son. And, like a bolt of lightning, he charged us. I knew that there was a thick piece of glass separating us but it still shocking to have a wild animal “charge” you. He race right into the glass and smashed it with both of his fists. The force from the blow rocked the entire pen. I am a 6’3” 250 lb man and if that monkey had hit me with that blow, he would have snapped my neck or broken my back. People ran out of the area and children started crying. It was absolutely nuts!

One final note. What you probably don’t know is that my wife and I call our son “our little monkey” so we joked later that maybe this monkey thought I had stolen one of his children..

How to get and keep a woman!

I finally got a response/comment on one of my blogs (I have this fear that I will be writing to myself for the next few years) – in the comment/response to the 2/15 post “advice for pregnant friends and new parents,” Will asked about tips for getting and keeping a woman..

Well, I do have a few tips on this but I am much more comfortable giving advice to my female friends about how to “keep” a man (I always wonder why women ask other women for advice about that???). Anyway, it seems that most guys I know don’t have a problem “getting” a woman. Rather, the problem that most of my guy-friends have is “keeping” a woman and/or keeping a woman happy (this sounds like the beginning of a Seinfeld skit – anyone can “take” a reservation… the key is the “hold”).

Here is my disclaimer.. I am a guy who happens to have A LOT of friends who are women. And, I also happen to be in an exceptionally happy marriage.. So, my advice is based on MY observations, many many late-night conversations with my friends, and my own experiences. Last, I think that the following advice is applicable to A LOT of people (not just women) but not everyone so please don’t read into this that I think that there is some kind of “trick” or formula. I believe there are some “truisms” that can serve as guideposts along this journey we call relationships.

Here are a few.

Non-negotiables –I am a HUGE believer in having some things that you know you NEED in a relationship. Once you really establish them (and, by the way, not BS things like breast-size or hair color but things that matter like her values, the way she is in the world, the way she makes you feel, reciprocity, etc.) don’t waiver from them when looking for a partner (that is why they are non-negotiables J ).
Check your filters – this is closely related to the bullet above… If you are looking for a long-term relationship then don’t use the same “filters” you would use if you are just looking to “hook-up” or date.. I can’t tell you how many of my male friends who have been serial-daters don’t check their filters (or recalibrate them) when they are looking to find a real girlfriend or wife.. Yeah, this sounds like I am saying something I am not.. I am not saying that there are “two-types” of women –the ones you hook up with and the ones you marry- NO, what I am saying is that if you are casually dating, it may not matter that the woman you are dating is a little selfish, for instance. In fact, her selfishness may even be endearing in small doses but it may matter immensely/drive you crazy when you are spending every single day with her..
STEP-UP, BROTHER – This should have been first on my list because it is probably the most important thing you can do to keep a woman. There is nothing worse than seeing a guy complain about how much of a nag his wife or partner is and then see him do stuff like walk in the door and plop down on the couch to watch sportscenter while his wife (who has a full-time job too) is cleaning up, cooking dinner, taking care of kids, etc. I thought we learned something from the previous generations?? I think it is unfair because no one wants to be considered a nag and it is a messed up position to put someone in – I always say it is like when someone owes you money and they don’t repay you and you have to ask for it back (how would it feel if the person who owed you money called you a nag???).. Step up and find a partner not a surrogate mother…

Make sure you LIKE women – No, I am not asking you to question your sexual orientation (that will be the subject of a future post). I mean that you need to check yourself to make sure you “like” women. If you listen to a lot of men talk you would think that they can’t stand being around women EXCEPT when it is time to have sex. If you don’t enjoy the company of women then how in the world are you going to enjoy living with one for the rest of your life?

Romance- I almost left this off of the list because I thought it was a given but when I hear about what my brothers are doing out there, I thought it was better to be safe than sorry…. I am not going to write down a list of romantic things to do because I don’t know your partner (if anyone ever reads this and would like me to write down some things that have gone over well in my house, I will)... However, I will say that the following things are certain to help – well intentioned, thoughtful gestures go a LONG way. You don’t have to spend a lot of money to be romantic. Listen to her- if you are paying attention, you will hear what she wants and what will make her feel special. Write love letters/notes. Finally, smooch … (I have been on a mission to “BRING BACK SMOOCHING for a long time now!).
Communicate –Yes, this is probably the one piece of advice that you hear over and over and THERE IS A REASON FOR THAT!!!. If communication is a weak point for you, work on it. – period! Here is why it is so important- you can work through ALMOST anything if you can talk to and listen to your partner. Seriously! You always hear people say things like “the #1 reason marriages/relationships end is money.” I would amend that slightly to say that a lot of marriages/relationships end because of the inability to talk effectively about money…

Argue to understand not to win – A lot of us are hardwired to “win” all of the time – on the field, at work, etc. so it is hard to shut it down when dealing with your partner. Trust me, brother, find a way to leave your ego at the door – especially when you are arguing with your partner. Have you ever really heard yourself talk to your partner? Have you ever “won” an argument and felt like the biggest loser on the planet when your partner is sitting on the couch crying…(Not to sound like Dr. Phil here but – how’s being right working out for you?). I PROMISE, it will serve you in so many ways to tweak your argument/conversation approach to master the art of arguing to understand. What does this mean? Simply put, focus on trying to understand your partner rather than trying to prove how right you are will make life so much more enjoyable for you. In this approach, you should be able to make her “case” better than she can by the end of the discussion. There are times, bro, that you can both be right. And, there are times that you are absolutely right BUT who cares if you are sleeping on the couch later that evening.

Give your partner a freaking break. Finally, this piece of advice is FOR MEN ONLY…. It is the nature of the beast – there are some things that your partner is going to do that are just going to irk the hell out of you. They are probably things that she does often enough that you can expect them (if we were talking right now, you can probably enumerate them at the drop of a hat). Well, unless they are deal breakers, stop and ask yourself why you get so upset when she does whatever it is that irks you.. I bet you won’t come up with anything that you can’t look past – especially when you think about how much love her (remember what I said about “being right” above?). Make a conscious decision to give her a pass on those few things and move on ( give her the same break you’d give some random friend or stranger – isn’t funny how we all do that??). NOTE: by the way, this is not the same thing as what a lot of old men tell us to do – say “yes dear” to everything! I think that that is crappy advice because it is suggesting you just check out of your relationship and go along to get along – that doesn’t do anything for anyone!

The end of the "if only" game...

After 15 + years of playing the "if only" game, I think I am finally finished! I don't know what it is really called (maybe I should ask my therapist :) ) but I call it the "if only" game because I have wasted a lot of time wondering what would have happened "if only" - you can probably fill in the blank but here are a few examples: " If only I had taken the the offer at a law firm after passing the bar INSTEAD of working for a small nonprofit organization?" "If only I had not called off my first engagement with my wife (more on this long story later) 15 years ago?? "If only I had kids 10 years ago?"

The crazy thing about this game is that I always answered these questions with a series of amazing outcomes.. For instance, I would conclude (while sitting on my couch in my tiny apartment in Brooklyn, NY) that if I had taken the law job and married my wife 15 years ago, I would have 2 kids, a billion dollars, 7 published books, 6-pack abs, and 3 black labs..

Hmmm.. Maybe all of that is true... At the same time, it is also very possible that my wife and I could have caught malaria on our honeymoon in Africa and died.. Yeah, kind of extreme but, hey, ya' never know... AND, THAT IS THE POINT!!

If only I had a dollar for every time I have had someone say to me "everything happens for a reason" (wait, is this an "if only" scenario? - totally unintentional :) ). Even though I am completely open to the notion of universal wisdom, there are times where you just don't want to hear "everything happens for a reason" - probably because people tend to say it to you when something bad happens...

Imagine how many times we must have heard it last year when we had two miscarriages?? I have to tell you, it didn't help - sure, it was always said with the best of intentions and I would smile a knowing smile but inside I was thinking "BS - this can't be happening for any good reason - I am am being punished... If only...."

Well, now that we have a beautiful, healthy and happy 9 month old son, I FINALLY GET IT... IF I had done one thing differently, I may not have the son I have.. If we hadn't had the back-to-back miscarriages, if we had gotten married 15 years ago, if I had practiced law, we might have a child but we wouldn't have THIS child and I WOULD NOT CHANGE ONE THING IF IT MEANT NOT HAVING THE SON I HAVE...

I used to have a wanton disregard for the passage of time... NO MAS....

Advice for pregnant friends and new parents

Warning - this is an unbelievably long post so only read this if you are interested in these tips. Yes, I should have cut this up into several smaller posts so chalk it up to a blookie mistake (is that what you call a blogger rookie??).

I don’t pretend to be an expert about anything regarding parenting or pregnancy but I want to share a few things that my wife and I feel confident about (or wish we had known)..

While Still pregnant
Ø Yoga, yoga, yoga – my wife was thrilled that she took classes while she was pregnant - it helped her be a part of a community of pregnant women AND it worked miracles during the delivery

Ø Take Infant CPR class,
Ø Infant care class (especially learn to swaddle)..
Ø Make sure Dad goes to ALL classes (two heads are better than one because pregnancy brain is REAL and it is nice when Daddy can fully participate too).
Ø GET READY FOR BABY TO COME HOME = so much of the focus is on having the baby BUT we wish that we spent more time preparing for life after we got home with our son...
Ø Buy “happiest baby on the block” VIDEO and watch it BEFORE you have baby (we were literally up the first night at home with our son trying to watch the video and comfort him - truly pitiful)..
Ø Sit down with your partner and figure out what you want your birth experience to be like and draft a birth plan – ESPECIALLY if you are serious about not letting your child have formula or a pacifier for instance….
Ø Talk to each other about what will work for YOU (mommy) during labor and make sure you give your partner the “green light” to be your advocate with doctors and nurses…
Ø Start reading to baby now (have your partner read/sing “oh the places you’ll go in utero” book )
Ø If you haven’t, check out national geographic “in the womb” video (great images/very informative) http://shop.nationalgeographic.com/shopping/product/detailmain.jsp?itemID=2692&itemType=PRODUCT&RS=1&keyword=in+the+womb
Ø PILLOWS PILLOWS PILLOWS so mommy can sleep comfortably
Ø DO NOT BUY NURSING BRAS UNTIL 9th MONTH (even then, allow for additional growth).
Ø Do you have a store like “pump station” there? (i.e. a store that sells pumps, parts, clothes, etc. AND, offers classes on everything baby???). If so, take breastfeeding classes (have daddy go to classes too – it is important because “mommy brain” is real and you may forget stuff)..
Ø Can’t buy too many nursing tops (My wife uses them religiously).

In the Hospital
Ø Get one of those “hospital check lists” – we were happy we had the following:
o Hand-held fan for mom while she was in labor
o Music (make a disc or playlist and check and see if you have something to play it on).
o Massage tools for daddy to use on you while in labor (3-pronged massage tool, tennis ball, whatever works).
o Small Cooler
o Food & drink for both of you (Dad/partner will need to keep strength up too).
Ø Don’t bring nice/fancy clothes to hospital – don’t bring long gown
Ø Take EVERYTHING you can from hospital when you leave (you will use all of it)
Ø Small gifts for nurses because they do EVERYTHING leading up to the moment the baby arrives (eg., box of candy or something).
Ø Stay in hospital as long as possible (find out what the law REALLY allows)
Ø MAKE SURE THEY PUT BABY ON MOMMY’S CHEST INSTANTLY after baby is delivered (no delay at all). Spend that initial time soothing, crying, kissing, loving each other for as long as you can.. Baby will find your breast during that time – it is an amazing time!!
Ø Make sure Dad/partner goes with baby EVERYWHERE (even for initial cleaning) – it is kind of a dilemma for daddy at first because staying with baby means leaving mommy (BUT, in most cases, mommy can fend for herself unlike baby).

WE really liked having our son in our room all night in hospital (this was really important – despite what people say about letting mommy get sleep – trust us, baby will sleep = THAT IS ALL THEY DO AT FIRST)..
Ø Insist (have partner insist) on seeing lactation consultant EARLY in your hospital stay – don’t let them wait until the night before you leave.
Ø Have a “point person” to make the calls for you (make a phone list and give it to someone who can relay all of the info – weight, time, name, etc.).

When you get home
Ø Have disposable/mesh underwear waiting for you (in addition to the ones you took from the hospital).
Ø I am going to include a sample of an activity log (it is amazing how many things you keep a record of during the first months).
Ø HARD TO DO ….BUT TRY SLEEP WHENEVER THE BABY IS SLEEPING – it is hard because you are tempted to try and “get things done” when the baby finally falls asleep – FORGET THAT TEMPTATION and SLEEP>.. WE DID NOT FOLLOW THIS ADVICE AND STILL REGRET IT!!!
Ø BELLY/TUMMY TIME – no one told us how important this really is - it wasn’t stressed when we were coming up because we grew up sleeping on our stomachs –( BACK –TO-SLEEP movement started in ’94 (to prevent SIDS) and all of the accompanying sleepers, chairs, swings, etc, have forced our babies to be on their backs an inordinate amount of time). It wasn’t until our son was about 6 weeks that our Pediatrician suggested he spend A LOT more time on his belly – there are tons of articles that talk about the importance of “tummy time.” Check this one out http://wholebodyllc.com/_wsn/page4.html
Ø TONS OF SKIN-TO-SKIN contact (this is where daddy/ partner gets to be the “star” of the show because he can let baby sleep on his chest AND because your breasts may hurt too much OR all baby will want to do on your chest is feed NOT sleep).
Ø Don’t be shy about calling your pediatrician (you will feel like a crazy person at times but it is YOUR first baby and no one else’s)….

Products –

Ø Baby Beat (plays heart-sounding rhythms that are supposed to engage baby in utero)
Ø Co-sleeper (this has been great for us for home AND travel)
Ø Little bumpers to make sure he stays on his back when sleeping
Ø Mother Love nipple cream (all natural ingredients)- can get at Whole Food
Ø Pack-n-play
Ø Gripe water if he has gas
Ø ONLY BUY 1 box of N (new born) diapers in case he is too big for them (a lot of babies end up being between N and 1).


Secret Weapons/ Helpful hints

Ø Shower (running water)- our son loves the sound and feel of running water – it calms him down INSTANTLY –try it out (even when he gets shots, I rush him over to the faucet and he stops crying instantly – then, mommy breastfeeds him and he is fine)..
Ø Warm steamer for room
Ø First bath (fill it a little higher than books suggest – just as long as it doesn’t get in his ears at first–baby will be miserable if he is sitting in 1 inch of water – think about how you’d feel- )
Ø SLINGS (in addition to baby bjorns)– for BOTH OF YOU – one for you and PREMAXX for daddy (it is big enough for a man).
Ø Bouncy/yoga ball (large enough for either one of you to bounce on with Baby and great for you to just sit on, mommy during last few months of pregnancy– (very easy on your back)). PS. mommy, you won’t be able to bounce on this ball very much during the first few weeks .

Ø LEARN the ‘air chair” position – especially if baby has gas
Ø Have gripe water “on hand” (maybe even Mylicon if you are OK with that)..
Ø If baby does have gas, have mommy try some chamomile tea
Ø Learn infant massage techniques
Ø Mother’s Milk tea (for breast feeding).
Ø Netflix
Ø Daddy can massage mommy's legs and feet when you are feeding
Ø Encourage daddy to change MAJORITY of diapers during first few weeks (especially at night – ALL ABOUT SOLIDARITY, brother).


You will get to know your baby very quickly and the best advice that someone gave us is to trust our instincts and trust whatever strategies work for you (just trust the process)..


FINALLY, this piece of advice could have fit in any of the above categories so we put it at the end so it’ll stand out.. You have probably already noticed that, while being pregnant is AWESOME, it is also an invitation for EVERYONE to offer unsolicited advice (this memo notwithstanding) – take what works for y’all and move on…

However, there is something that is subtle but inevitable – some folks get into a competition with each other about almost EVERYTHING having to do with their babies (e.g., how much did your baby weigh? How much weight is he gaining? Are you breast feeding? How much does he sleep? Is he colicky? Etc. – you may have already seen signs of it but it gets worse). IGNORE THIS CRAP! Also, do what works for you and don’t let groups like La Leche League make you feel any way at all about what you are doing – TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS (my sister, is amazing at this and my wife has become amazing at this and you will be amazing at this – YOU KNOW YOUR BABY BETTER THAN ANYONE ON THE PLANET = even your pediatrician).



OOOOPPPSSS>. One last piece of stealthy advice – one that we REALLY stand behind and that you probably won’t hear from a lot of folks (we got it from our first pediatrician).. If you are planning to travel with baby in the first year (and you happen to be breastfeeding), be sure to use a dropper to put drops of breastmilk in his eyes and nose (breastmilk is a magic cure-all elixir or something- SERIOUSLY). Also, if you are going to be around a lot of folks you can do this as a preemptive measure (you can even do it if baby does, in fact, get sick)..

FirstThings First

I can't believe that I am finally in the blogsphere.. Yes, I am super late on the scene (friends have been asking me to start one for years and I am finally getting up and running).

While the fact that I have started a blog may not seem significant to the rest of you -this is HUGE for me because it makes me feel like I am moving in the right direction (i.e., meeting my goals). I just wrote a note on my buddy's blog- http://dawsonink.net/- that I have been writing the same goals on the first of the year for over two decades. In fact, I actually burned my journals a few years ago because I was starting to feel like Jack Nicholson in the shining (writing the same thing over and over).

Long and short, 2008 is off to a great start for me and my family (by the way, I am a relatively new father - we have a 9 month old son who is a phenomenal little boy and I will probably write about him A LOT)..

I am going to work hard to update this website regularly.