Dr. Suess meets Dr. J

One of the most rewarding things in life is to watch people you care about grow up and come into their own! This past weekend, we visited our goddaughters in Northern CA. Overnight, these amazing girls grew up and are now 10 and 12 years old - the 12 year old is as tall as my wife and the 10 year old is catching up quickly.

Every Spring, with a few exceptions, we visit our family in NoCAL to see our goddaughters in their annual play/musical. We have been treated to some of the most endearing and entertaining performances over the years – in one case, we saw a girl play Peter Pan who could hold her own against anyone on Broadway (it brings me to tears when I see a young person “do their thing” at such a young age). So, why am I writing about it this year? Well, a few things came up for me this weekend.

First, seeing our youngest goddaughter “do her thing” on stage was so moving – especially since her older sister is no longer in the same school with her and, therefore, no longer on stage with her! Not only was she on stage but she was one of the main characters and she was on stage in every scene. She is not only smart, intelligent and artistic but she is an introspective child who is very sensitive! Now, I can confidently add to that list- BRAVE. My chest filled with pride watching her on stage because I know she was probably nervous and “outside her comfort zone” but she got up on that stage and did it anyway and SHE ROCKED IT! I don’t know many adults who are as brave as she is!
She is also an amazing artist – I can’t wait to see what she creates along the way!

My other goddaughter had a basketball game on Sunday and we were treated to 28 minutes of hard-nosed, good basketball! I didn’t learn much about my goddaughter while watching her play basketball – I already knew that she was driven and hardworking. However, watching her game made me reflect on my own life and life in general. I wish some of the spoiled man-children who get paid millions of dollars a year to play basketball for a living in the NBA could have seen these girls play. If they had been there, they would have seen 8 – 7th graders take on a team of 12 girls who were all much larger and more experienced. At the same time, they wouldn’t have seen a single girl on my goddaughter’s team give up for 1 second - they would have seen girls play hard until the final buzzer. They would have seen girls who refused to back down from their larger opponents. They would have seen 28 minutes of hard-nosed basketball and 8 girls who love and respect the game. They would have seen 12 year old girls dive on the floor for balls, take hard fouls, give hard fouls, get hurt and come right back in the game. And, they would have seen phenomenal sportsmanship after these 8 girls lost the game. Finally, they would have seen 8 girls walk off the court proud of themselves because they knew that they gave 100% and nothing less. Again, I am proud.

Finally, I loved watching my goddaughters take care of my son – they were so sweet and loving to him that it really filled my heart to see. I love the fact that they are still good kids who put family first and are less concerned with “looking” cool and more concerned about being true to themselves (by the way, here is a little secret – those are the real cool people). I doubt they will ever read this blog post but I hope they know how proud I/we am/are of them (I will be sure to continue to tell them).

Why are you putting out that fire, Nigga?

Uggh.. I have not had access to the internet on a real computer since last Friday and it has literally driven me crazy. I am happy to be back! I have thought of a million things to blog about since Friday so forgive me if I am “all over the place” in this post.
AND… I promise that this blog won’t be a bunch of “gripes” and complaints (even though I feel like I have made this promise on every recent post).

So… I was out of town visiting family over the weekend in a relatively sleepy little suburban town. We were returning to our relatives’ home after meeting up with some friends for dinner when we saw some people standing near a fire burning on the street. At first, we couldn’t figure out what was going on – was this a bonfire? A campfire? What? It was strange because their neighborhood is so quiet, exclusive, and dark (and near a huge lake) so we couldn’t wrap our minds around the fact that this fire could have been started by stupid or irresponsible people with very bad intentions. However, as we got closer to the fire and the “fire-starters,” it was ABUNDANTLY clear that these people were attempting to cause very real damage.

I drove past our turn and I pointed my headlights on the fire that was just starting to catch on the dried leaves in the wooded area next to a pretty large suburban home. I didn’t even look at the people who were moving quickly away from the “scene.” Without thinking, I grabbed three ½- empty water bottles and jumped out of my car and quickly put out the fire (the fire was starting to spread and if it was about 30 seconds later, I would not have been able to put it out). As I am putting out the fire, I see two people run from the yard of the house closest to the fire. At the same time, from the shadows, I hear someone say “why you putting out that fire?” I was too focused on not getting burned to answer this ridiculous question.

So far so good, right? In my mind, up to this point, I have done what any responsible citizen should do, right? Well, here in the story is where I diverge from smart/responsible behavior. As I get back in the car, that question; “Why are you putting that fire out?” really irked me (and, at the same time, made me realize that these people are young and it is late!!). Again, without thinking, I turn the car around and drive up to the group of 8 teenagers - WITH MY WIFE AND CHILD IN THE CAR! I slow down and roll my window down (this clearly surprised this group of people – 2 ran into the bushes and the rest clearly stiffened up). I had the following exchange:

Me: (asking a relatively stupid question of them): “What are you doing?” or “Why are you starting fires in this neighborhood?”
One of the kids: Whatever, Nigga!
Me: (I didn’t grow up in an era when not EVERYONE could use any derivative of this word): Did you just call me nigger?
Same kid: Whatever!
Me: (opening my door) No, not whatever, did you just call me nigga?
My wife: Don’t engage these stupid kids – let’s go!

Something about her words totally chilled me out and I decided to let it go . Also, it struck me that they couldn’t see me and weren’t calling me a Nigger but trying to be cool and use “Nigga” like we used to use “man.” AND, I am a pretty large GROWN man and nothing good could have come from me confronting a group of kids! So, the adult version of me closed the door, turned the car around , which enabled me to SEE the kids’ faces and some of them were African American. However, while seeing that some of these kids were African American made me feel better about hearing the word “nigga,” it made me deeply concerned that these kids were in this affluent neighborhood, lighting fires. Now, I know that we are in the era of Obama and many of my conspiracy theories are going to fly out of the window if he is elected as our next President but I DO NOT BELIEVE THAT THIS COUNTRY HAS CHANGED SO MUCH that if the police had gotten there in time they would not have singled out the black kids in the group (or, at a minimum, the long-term legal implications for them would be much greater as I KNOW that the law still works in a downward direction).

Anyway, I called the police and told them about these kids lighting fires… We went home and put OUR kid to bed. After he was asleep, my wife got very serious with me and asked me to be much more mindful and thoughtful about “getting involved” with stuff like that- especially since we have a child now! I admit that that made me feel a little defensive and I told her that (knowing that this was not her point) I would always act like this and GET INVOLVED – ESPECIALLY since I have a son because I don’t want him to be a person who doesn’t get involved. She looked at me as if to say “come on… you know what I mean!” And I did and I did promise her that I would be better (again, a promise that I feel like I have been making a lot lately).

Here are the questions I have:

Do these kids realize that I saved them from very serious criminal charges ??(if those dried leaves had caught, who knows how much damage, destruction, and death they could have caused).
Why were these kids out wandering the streets at midnight?
Where are their parents?
Why can’t adults confront young people who are out of order anymore?
How can I raise my son to NOT be like these kids and understand the ramifications of his actions?

My Big Banana Slip Up!

YELLOW was the color of the banana peel that I threw out of my window at the car of the impatient driver who could not stop honking at me as we inched our way down Arlington Blvd. OH MY GOD! I was driving to a meeting near USC and I made the mistake of taking Arlington Blvd. Now, I don’t have anything against a street named Arlington- especially since I consider Northern VA home!! However, everyone on the west side of LA seems to think that this is the best way to get to I-10.

Brownish- black is the color of the banana residue that is probably still on her window right now. I am not sure why this woman got under MYskin – maybe because it was early and I was late. Maybe it was because she was riding my bumper on the passenger side of my car and couldn’t see that there was a car 2’ in front of me and a car 2’ in front of that car and so on and so on.. Maybe it is because she was driving a Honda Civic and I have my issues with civic drivers. OR, MAYBE IT WAS BECAUSE SHE KEPT HONKING AT ME AS IF SHE WANTED ME TO RUN OVER THE CAR IN FRONT OF ME and is apparently too stupid to at least move to the other side of my car and SEE if there is a car in front of me (she also could have deduced that since the line of cars was a mile long).

Red was the color of my brown cheeks by the time I was able to get out of her way (the right lane was blocked by a broken down garbage truck). I pulled over and she jumped into the turning lane to get onto I-10 (and she actually had the nerve to look shocked when she saw traffic jamming up the lanes – she had to slam on her brakes as she tried to zip past me)…

Green was the color of my insides as I stepped out of character and started honking at her! I was so annoyed (although not mad) and I wanted her to look at me as she passed but she just looked straight ahead.. That is what really irked me – I wanted to ask her “where in the hell could I go? Do you want me to run over the Cadillac that was basically parked in front of me?” As I watched her ride the bumper of the guy next to me, I was finishing up the banana I was eating when something came over me and before I knew it a banana peel was soaring from my car to her passenger window (don’t you love how I switched to “passive voice” right there like I had nothing to do with it).

Silver is the color of my halo as I tell you that THIS behavior is WAAAYYYY out of character for me. I consider myself an excellent driver- excellent because I am very aware of what is going on around me, I take safety seriously, I watch and anticipate other drivers, and I am considerate and patient. However, I am always amazed by all of the poor driving that goes on around me (there is never a day that goes by that I don’t see something egregious)… I like to comment on the driving but that is it.. I honestly can’t say what came over me!!

White is the color of the flag that I am waving right now. IT IS TIME FOR ME TO GET THE HELL OUT OF LA.. I am not meant to be here – I don’t do well in city this large where no one seems to “see” each other and everyone is anonymous.

Special note on Karma = I paid $8 to park in the garage at USC and I left my car in a spot marked for the Sizzler restaurant (they weren’t open) and I got a $50 ticket. As my grandmother says “God doesn’t like ugly.” What can I say.. I am a work in progress..

Sharing your gifts

Today I had lunch with a good friend of mine who paid me one of the nicest compliments that I have received in a long time. Wait, let me start at the beginning- well, sort of at the beginning. My buddy came in to the restaurant and he was beaming – almost literally. I immediately asked him how things were going as he was jumping out his skin. He proceeded to tell me that he has never been happier since he left his job 6 weeks ago. Here is the compliment – he said that he had ME to thank for this decision and the accompanying happiness! What?

2 months ago we had lunch together near my office – right after he took a new job- and he was NOT happy. In fact, he was borderline miserable and I understood exactly why he felt that way.. He left a very comfy and cozy job to take a job that logic said he couldn’t refuse. However, two weeks into the job he had the feeling that I always get every time I take a new job – a feeling that I don’t think I have the words to express. It is a feeling of heaviness in your stomach that stems from not doing something true to yourself and for some of us out here, WORKING for someone else is not being true to ourselves. My friend wants to be a working writer and every job he takes makes him feel one step further away from that goal.

So, 2 months ago I sat down and talked with him about where he was and how he was going to get where he wanted to go.. Side note for those of you who don’t know me yet – I AM AMAZING AT HELPING PEOPLE GET WHAT THEY WANT (I even talked a colleague into quitting smoking over tea during a staff retreat – 1 year later she still has not had a smoke) BUT I CAN’T SEEM TO DO IT FOR MYSELF. He and I talked about our upbringings and how we watched our baby-boomer dads work at the same gigs for decades (more on baby boomers later) and how that paradigm has shaped who we are now. We also talked about fear and the passage of time. I don’t know exactly what I said to him – I do know that I said it with passion and I suggested that it was now or never. I told him that since he has a phenomenal wife who would totally support this decision, he should do it while he is still flexible (no mortgage.. no kids). I told him about all of the things that I have wanted to do and “sat on my hands” and watched less talented people succeed where I didn't even try. A reckless disregard for the passage of time! (see 2/16 post).

I talked on and on during that lunch ( in fact, I felt a little bad because I usually try not to “hog” conversations because I don’t want to sound like a lawyer). I am passionate about this because I truly believe that when you are gifted at something you have a duty to share it with the world. Well, something in my words and passion must have resonated with my buddy because he went home and told his wife that he was going to quit and give the writing “thing” a try. She laughed because she couldn’t believe that she has been trying to convince him to do this for years and after 1 lunch with me, he was ready..

Today, he shared with me that almost as soon as he made the decision to quit and break out on his own, doors started swinging wide open and people in his life (including his parents) surprised him with their support. This is exactly how the universe works – at least as I understand it!!
I can guarantee that he is going to be a phenomenally successful writer and YOU will know his writing in the very near future – MARK MY WORDS and I promise to keep you posted!

Questions for you.

1) How do I persuade my brilliant photographer friend to truly break out and let the world experience his gift? He and I suffer from something else – we take rejection personally. Listen, my friend is a PHENOMENAL PHOTOGRAPHER – his work is stunning – visit http://www.raymondjonesimages.com/

2) How do I convince my other buddy to use his brilliant mind to help shape some of the public discourse in this country – he ought to be ashamed of himself that Michael Eric Dyson is out there “making it happen” and he is not!
Both of these friends are being selfish (not in a malicious way) with their talent and they need to let their lights shine for the rest of us. HOW CAN I HELP???

3) Don’t even get my started on my other friend and the book(s) he should have written by now- if you want to check out a real writer’s blog- see http://www.dawnsonink.net/ - jump on his site and tell him that he needs to write his book (this is not the same friend that I had lunch with).

A rainy day in Los Angeles

Well, as you know, I am an East Coaster trapped on the West Coast (I moved here to get married so forgive my whining) and I LOVE rainy days – it makes me feel like I am in a season (pick a season- any season). One crazy thing about living out here is that you lose a sense of the seasons and I didn’t realize how important they were for me UNTIL I didn’t have them.. Seriously, it affects me in many ways but one odd way is that I can’t remember when anything happened anymore – I used to use the seasons to narrow down when things happened (e.g., there was snow on the ground.. so we must have started dating in the winter J ).

But here is the craziest thing about rain in LA. ANGELENOS CAN’T SEEM TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO DRIVE IN THE RAIN! Aren’t most of the folks who live here from somewhere else? I don’t know what it is but if you venture out on a rainy day, the roads look like Virginia roads during an ice storm. People are braking incessantly, sliding, and bending fenders all over the city. At the same, there seems to be this tug of war between drivers who see the rain as an opportunity to drive even faster and the drivers who believe it is a signal to drive half the speed limit.

But here is the dirty little secret. ANGELENOS CAN’T DRIVE WHEN IT IS NOT RAINING! I lived here 16 years ago and traffic was bad BUT folks seemed to be paying attention. I came back and I was SHOCKED to see how bad things had become - I am not lying when I say that not a day goes by when I don’t see someone behind the wheel:

⌂ With a dog in their lap,
⌂ Reading a book or newspaper
⌂ Typing emails or texts at a green light,
⌂ Doing their makeup (or shaving),
⌂ People/star watching
⌂ Or some combination of any of the above.

Add to these distractions this weird thing that I have observed in LA – people are not the friendliest drivers in the world. If you put your blinker on to change lanes, for instance, a lot of folks out here see that as a signal to speed up and NOT let you in. Also, there is a tinge of hostility that I always “chalk up” to the fact that folks are driven mad by sitting in their cars for hours just to drive very short distances (it is maddening). In addition, folks act different (read, a lot bolder) when they think they are anonymous (you don’t flip someone off when you know you are going to see them at the 7-11 or your child’s school later that day).
Put all of those factors together with all of the tiny people driving HUGE SUVs and you have the perfect storm for an interesting (read, miserable) driving experience.

P.S. Golfers, rainy days in LA are the best days to hit those public courses that you typically avoid because of the crowds – just tell yourself that you are working on your “bad weather game.”

Crazy Day at LA ZOO

So..... It is a holiday weekend and we wanted to do something other than go to the beach (not that I am complaining that the beach is our "fall-back" plan in the middle of February). We decided that our baby boy would love a visit to the Los Angeles Zoo.. Now, we aren't unrealistic parents. Yes, we think our son is super special (he is relaxed, happy, smart, VERY handsome, etc.) but he has only been in the game for 9 months so we have adjusted our expectations accordingly. Thus, we didn't expect him to "see" every animal let alone be "into" the zoo. However, as is always the case with him, we were pleasantly surprised - not only with him but with the zoo.

We left our house yesterday sometime after noon and got to the zoo at around 1 PM (the longest part of the drive took place inside the park). We just found out there is a phenomenal short-cut from our house through Burbank to Griffith Park (I wish I had known about this sooner- it would have saved me A LOT of time driving back and forth to the golf course in the park). As soon as we hit the park, it became clear that we weren't the only people in LA who had the idea to go to the zoo during the long weekend - imagine that??!!

As we parked the car in an auxiliary parking lot, we could see the long line of people waiting to enter the zoo. We ALMOST turned around and drove to the beach but we decided to suck it up for our son's benefit (we promised each other that we would be EXTREMELY patient with the general public (more on THAT in a later post)). We rallied and got in an unnecessarily long line - we stood in that line all of 30 seconds. NO, we didn’t leave.. Rather, we simply took two side steps and signed up for a family membership (I think they let the line build up on purpose – sort of like Sprinkles Cupcakes – long line, great cupcakes).

Anyway, we finally entered the zoo and I have to say… we were pleasantly surprised! I wonder if all of my politics will be challenged now that I am father (my wife and I supposedly have “issues” with zoos).. Anyway, the zoo seemed well organized and manageable. Also, even though the parking lot was full, it didn’t “feel” crowded. This little zoo is the perfect size for parents with young children.
Why am I writing this blog? Well, if you are still reading, I am impressed and flattered. Here is why… Our son saw a few animals that probably blew his little mind – the first animals he noticed were the pink flamingos.. I have to tell you, if I wasn’t pushing him in the stroller, I probably would have walked right by these beautiful birds. I still wonder how his mind processed PINK BIRDS.

We saw giraffes and we saw gorillas! All of that would have been enough and I could write for pages just about watching our son see these beautiful animals for the first time. HOWEVER, I can’t take my mind off of the highlight of the day.. We had just spent $10 on a bottle of water and diet coke when we heard him…
Off in the distance, we heard what sounded like a wild monkey. In fact, it was so loud that we thought it was either being “piped in” to get visitors excited or a wild monkey had escaped. Then, just as quickly as it came, it was gone. We didn’t think anything of it again until about 30 minutes later when we reached the giraffe pen (which is across from the chimpanzees).

Here I am posing with my son in front of the giraffes when I see and hear one chimp go crazy and chase the other chimpanzees out of the little cave they have set up for them. The crazy chimp– clearly the largest of the group- chased the other 9 chimpanzees out of the cave and around the pen. There were about 100 people standing around watching his antics. We couldn’t resist- we were drawn to him like bugs to a light. We watched this chimp bully every other chimpanzee for 10 minutes and then he did something that sobered up the crowd - he stood up to his full height and started walking like a human being.. It freaked some of us out! Then, without warning, he was on the hunt again – he started chasing another chimpanzee over to the right side of the pen.

I followed the big chimp to the other side of the pen to get a closer look (it is the side where you can see the chimpanzees through the glass and the chimpanzees can walk right up to the glass)… I walked right up to glass with my son in my arms and there he was – 15 feet in front of us.. The big chimp was standing up-right, panting and looking very annoyed - he was looking down at the ground. Suddenly, he looked up and glared at me and my son. And, like a bolt of lightning, he charged us. I knew that there was a thick piece of glass separating us but it still shocking to have a wild animal “charge” you. He race right into the glass and smashed it with both of his fists. The force from the blow rocked the entire pen. I am a 6’3” 250 lb man and if that monkey had hit me with that blow, he would have snapped my neck or broken my back. People ran out of the area and children started crying. It was absolutely nuts!

One final note. What you probably don’t know is that my wife and I call our son “our little monkey” so we joked later that maybe this monkey thought I had stolen one of his children..

How to get and keep a woman!

I finally got a response/comment on one of my blogs (I have this fear that I will be writing to myself for the next few years) – in the comment/response to the 2/15 post “advice for pregnant friends and new parents,” Will asked about tips for getting and keeping a woman..

Well, I do have a few tips on this but I am much more comfortable giving advice to my female friends about how to “keep” a man (I always wonder why women ask other women for advice about that???). Anyway, it seems that most guys I know don’t have a problem “getting” a woman. Rather, the problem that most of my guy-friends have is “keeping” a woman and/or keeping a woman happy (this sounds like the beginning of a Seinfeld skit – anyone can “take” a reservation… the key is the “hold”).

Here is my disclaimer.. I am a guy who happens to have A LOT of friends who are women. And, I also happen to be in an exceptionally happy marriage.. So, my advice is based on MY observations, many many late-night conversations with my friends, and my own experiences. Last, I think that the following advice is applicable to A LOT of people (not just women) but not everyone so please don’t read into this that I think that there is some kind of “trick” or formula. I believe there are some “truisms” that can serve as guideposts along this journey we call relationships.

Here are a few.

Non-negotiables –I am a HUGE believer in having some things that you know you NEED in a relationship. Once you really establish them (and, by the way, not BS things like breast-size or hair color but things that matter like her values, the way she is in the world, the way she makes you feel, reciprocity, etc.) don’t waiver from them when looking for a partner (that is why they are non-negotiables J ).
Check your filters – this is closely related to the bullet above… If you are looking for a long-term relationship then don’t use the same “filters” you would use if you are just looking to “hook-up” or date.. I can’t tell you how many of my male friends who have been serial-daters don’t check their filters (or recalibrate them) when they are looking to find a real girlfriend or wife.. Yeah, this sounds like I am saying something I am not.. I am not saying that there are “two-types” of women –the ones you hook up with and the ones you marry- NO, what I am saying is that if you are casually dating, it may not matter that the woman you are dating is a little selfish, for instance. In fact, her selfishness may even be endearing in small doses but it may matter immensely/drive you crazy when you are spending every single day with her..
STEP-UP, BROTHER – This should have been first on my list because it is probably the most important thing you can do to keep a woman. There is nothing worse than seeing a guy complain about how much of a nag his wife or partner is and then see him do stuff like walk in the door and plop down on the couch to watch sportscenter while his wife (who has a full-time job too) is cleaning up, cooking dinner, taking care of kids, etc. I thought we learned something from the previous generations?? I think it is unfair because no one wants to be considered a nag and it is a messed up position to put someone in – I always say it is like when someone owes you money and they don’t repay you and you have to ask for it back (how would it feel if the person who owed you money called you a nag???).. Step up and find a partner not a surrogate mother…

Make sure you LIKE women – No, I am not asking you to question your sexual orientation (that will be the subject of a future post). I mean that you need to check yourself to make sure you “like” women. If you listen to a lot of men talk you would think that they can’t stand being around women EXCEPT when it is time to have sex. If you don’t enjoy the company of women then how in the world are you going to enjoy living with one for the rest of your life?

Romance- I almost left this off of the list because I thought it was a given but when I hear about what my brothers are doing out there, I thought it was better to be safe than sorry…. I am not going to write down a list of romantic things to do because I don’t know your partner (if anyone ever reads this and would like me to write down some things that have gone over well in my house, I will)... However, I will say that the following things are certain to help – well intentioned, thoughtful gestures go a LONG way. You don’t have to spend a lot of money to be romantic. Listen to her- if you are paying attention, you will hear what she wants and what will make her feel special. Write love letters/notes. Finally, smooch … (I have been on a mission to “BRING BACK SMOOCHING for a long time now!).
Communicate –Yes, this is probably the one piece of advice that you hear over and over and THERE IS A REASON FOR THAT!!!. If communication is a weak point for you, work on it. – period! Here is why it is so important- you can work through ALMOST anything if you can talk to and listen to your partner. Seriously! You always hear people say things like “the #1 reason marriages/relationships end is money.” I would amend that slightly to say that a lot of marriages/relationships end because of the inability to talk effectively about money…

Argue to understand not to win – A lot of us are hardwired to “win” all of the time – on the field, at work, etc. so it is hard to shut it down when dealing with your partner. Trust me, brother, find a way to leave your ego at the door – especially when you are arguing with your partner. Have you ever really heard yourself talk to your partner? Have you ever “won” an argument and felt like the biggest loser on the planet when your partner is sitting on the couch crying…(Not to sound like Dr. Phil here but – how’s being right working out for you?). I PROMISE, it will serve you in so many ways to tweak your argument/conversation approach to master the art of arguing to understand. What does this mean? Simply put, focus on trying to understand your partner rather than trying to prove how right you are will make life so much more enjoyable for you. In this approach, you should be able to make her “case” better than she can by the end of the discussion. There are times, bro, that you can both be right. And, there are times that you are absolutely right BUT who cares if you are sleeping on the couch later that evening.

Give your partner a freaking break. Finally, this piece of advice is FOR MEN ONLY…. It is the nature of the beast – there are some things that your partner is going to do that are just going to irk the hell out of you. They are probably things that she does often enough that you can expect them (if we were talking right now, you can probably enumerate them at the drop of a hat). Well, unless they are deal breakers, stop and ask yourself why you get so upset when she does whatever it is that irks you.. I bet you won’t come up with anything that you can’t look past – especially when you think about how much love her (remember what I said about “being right” above?). Make a conscious decision to give her a pass on those few things and move on ( give her the same break you’d give some random friend or stranger – isn’t funny how we all do that??). NOTE: by the way, this is not the same thing as what a lot of old men tell us to do – say “yes dear” to everything! I think that that is crappy advice because it is suggesting you just check out of your relationship and go along to get along – that doesn’t do anything for anyone!

The end of the "if only" game...

After 15 + years of playing the "if only" game, I think I am finally finished! I don't know what it is really called (maybe I should ask my therapist :) ) but I call it the "if only" game because I have wasted a lot of time wondering what would have happened "if only" - you can probably fill in the blank but here are a few examples: " If only I had taken the the offer at a law firm after passing the bar INSTEAD of working for a small nonprofit organization?" "If only I had not called off my first engagement with my wife (more on this long story later) 15 years ago?? "If only I had kids 10 years ago?"

The crazy thing about this game is that I always answered these questions with a series of amazing outcomes.. For instance, I would conclude (while sitting on my couch in my tiny apartment in Brooklyn, NY) that if I had taken the law job and married my wife 15 years ago, I would have 2 kids, a billion dollars, 7 published books, 6-pack abs, and 3 black labs..

Hmmm.. Maybe all of that is true... At the same time, it is also very possible that my wife and I could have caught malaria on our honeymoon in Africa and died.. Yeah, kind of extreme but, hey, ya' never know... AND, THAT IS THE POINT!!

If only I had a dollar for every time I have had someone say to me "everything happens for a reason" (wait, is this an "if only" scenario? - totally unintentional :) ). Even though I am completely open to the notion of universal wisdom, there are times where you just don't want to hear "everything happens for a reason" - probably because people tend to say it to you when something bad happens...

Imagine how many times we must have heard it last year when we had two miscarriages?? I have to tell you, it didn't help - sure, it was always said with the best of intentions and I would smile a knowing smile but inside I was thinking "BS - this can't be happening for any good reason - I am am being punished... If only...."

Well, now that we have a beautiful, healthy and happy 9 month old son, I FINALLY GET IT... IF I had done one thing differently, I may not have the son I have.. If we hadn't had the back-to-back miscarriages, if we had gotten married 15 years ago, if I had practiced law, we might have a child but we wouldn't have THIS child and I WOULD NOT CHANGE ONE THING IF IT MEANT NOT HAVING THE SON I HAVE...

I used to have a wanton disregard for the passage of time... NO MAS....

FirstThings First

I can't believe that I am finally in the blogsphere.. Yes, I am super late on the scene (friends have been asking me to start one for years and I am finally getting up and running).

While the fact that I have started a blog may not seem significant to the rest of you -this is HUGE for me because it makes me feel like I am moving in the right direction (i.e., meeting my goals). I just wrote a note on my buddy's blog- http://dawsonink.net/- that I have been writing the same goals on the first of the year for over two decades. In fact, I actually burned my journals a few years ago because I was starting to feel like Jack Nicholson in the shining (writing the same thing over and over).

Long and short, 2008 is off to a great start for me and my family (by the way, I am a relatively new father - we have a 9 month old son who is a phenomenal little boy and I will probably write about him A LOT)..

I am going to work hard to update this website regularly.