After 15 + years of playing the "if only" game, I think I am finally finished! I don't know what it is really called (maybe I should ask my therapist :) ) but I call it the "if only" game because I have wasted a lot of time wondering what would have happened "if only" - you can probably fill in the blank but here are a few examples: " If only I had taken the the offer at a law firm after passing the bar INSTEAD of working for a small nonprofit organization?" "If only I had not called off my first engagement with my wife (more on this long story later) 15 years ago?? "If only I had kids 10 years ago?"
The crazy thing about this game is that I always answered these questions with a series of amazing outcomes.. For instance, I would conclude (while sitting on my couch in my tiny apartment in Brooklyn, NY) that if I had taken the law job and married my wife 15 years ago, I would have 2 kids, a billion dollars, 7 published books, 6-pack abs, and 3 black labs..
Hmmm.. Maybe all of that is true... At the same time, it is also very possible that my wife and I could have caught malaria on our honeymoon in Africa and died.. Yeah, kind of extreme but, hey, ya' never know... AND, THAT IS THE POINT!!
If only I had a dollar for every time I have had someone say to me "everything happens for a reason" (wait, is this an "if only" scenario? - totally unintentional :) ). Even though I am completely open to the notion of universal wisdom, there are times where you just don't want to hear "everything happens for a reason" - probably because people tend to say it to you when something bad happens...
Imagine how many times we must have heard it last year when we had two miscarriages?? I have to tell you, it didn't help - sure, it was always said with the best of intentions and I would smile a knowing smile but inside I was thinking "BS - this can't be happening for any good reason - I am am being punished... If only...."
Well, now that we have a beautiful, healthy and happy 9 month old son, I FINALLY GET IT... IF I had done one thing differently, I may not have the son I have.. If we hadn't had the back-to-back miscarriages, if we had gotten married 15 years ago, if I had practiced law, we might have a child but we wouldn't have THIS child and I WOULD NOT CHANGE ONE THING IF IT MEANT NOT HAVING THE SON I HAVE...
I used to have a wanton disregard for the passage of time... NO MAS....
The crazy thing about this game is that I always answered these questions with a series of amazing outcomes.. For instance, I would conclude (while sitting on my couch in my tiny apartment in Brooklyn, NY) that if I had taken the law job and married my wife 15 years ago, I would have 2 kids, a billion dollars, 7 published books, 6-pack abs, and 3 black labs..
Hmmm.. Maybe all of that is true... At the same time, it is also very possible that my wife and I could have caught malaria on our honeymoon in Africa and died.. Yeah, kind of extreme but, hey, ya' never know... AND, THAT IS THE POINT!!
If only I had a dollar for every time I have had someone say to me "everything happens for a reason" (wait, is this an "if only" scenario? - totally unintentional :) ). Even though I am completely open to the notion of universal wisdom, there are times where you just don't want to hear "everything happens for a reason" - probably because people tend to say it to you when something bad happens...
Imagine how many times we must have heard it last year when we had two miscarriages?? I have to tell you, it didn't help - sure, it was always said with the best of intentions and I would smile a knowing smile but inside I was thinking "BS - this can't be happening for any good reason - I am am being punished... If only...."
Well, now that we have a beautiful, healthy and happy 9 month old son, I FINALLY GET IT... IF I had done one thing differently, I may not have the son I have.. If we hadn't had the back-to-back miscarriages, if we had gotten married 15 years ago, if I had practiced law, we might have a child but we wouldn't have THIS child and I WOULD NOT CHANGE ONE THING IF IT MEANT NOT HAVING THE SON I HAVE...
I used to have a wanton disregard for the passage of time... NO MAS....
3 comments:
No more "if only" -- only got time to love, live, play and enjoy! I LOVE YOUR BLOG. I'm glad you finally decided to do this. Shine your light!
love this post. "if only" is just a way to be un-present to the goodness that is in the NOW. Rock on!!!
This is great! "If only" I'd written it myself ... :)
Post a Comment