Discipline is not a bad word

I think a lot about reaching certain goals in my life.. I have written pages and pages about it in my journals./.. I have worked hard at it// I have cried about it.. I have been open-minded.. However, in the end, many of my goals have eluded me (don't you love the passive voice here??). Anyway, I sat down recently and tried to articulate why I think I haven't been successful in the past and what I can do to get different results moving forward..

There is one OVERRIDDING goal that I got from reading Good to Great- DISCIPLINE OR THE LACK OF ALONG THE WAY.. I don't underestimate the importance of this little trait and I no longer equate it with being neurotic or lacking spontenaeity (sort of how I used to see "morning" people before I came one)..

So, as promised in my previous post, I am including a list (it is shorthand since no one is actually reading it)..

Reasons I haven't reached my goals
• Process & intellectualize conditions
• Too easy on myself at crunch time (but too hard on myself after-the-fact)
• Blame outside factors (eg. Tumor)
• Self-sabotage (eg. Cookies after workout)
• Bad self-image (living to be right about image)
• Stuck on old images/messages about self
• VERY Comfortable
• Focus only on results not process
• Hoping for quick solutions (tied to bullet above)
• Tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow
• Got to have last “hurrah” before start
• Swinging for fences – all or nothing at all
• No belief that change will actually happen
• Lack of internal integrity (strong external integrity – keep promises to everyone but me)
• No back up plans when I mess up
• Not prioritizing important goals over BS time fillers
• No CLEAR, REALISTIC, ATTAINABLE goals/objectives
• I write down goals and never look back (as if writing down takes me off hook)
• NO “non-negotiables”
• No sense of urgency
• No positive reinforcement (esp. from self)
• No rewards
• Waiting for magical epiphany instead of “just acting” just doing it!!
• Never “act as if”
• Feeling like I am “too far gone” to change or reach goal
• Short term thinking
• No support network
• Feeling that I am victim or that things are unfair (eg. It is unfair that some folks get to eat all they want and not gain a pound)

Keys to reaching goals
 Establish Realistic and attainable Goals (by the way, changing habits is a goal)
 Objectives that will get to goal
 Benchmarks & periodic evals.
 Periodic rewards (daily if necessary)
 Redefine what rewards are (not bad stuff)
 Recruit support network
 Start NOW, not tomorrow
 Make it priority #1
 BE SELFISH ABOUT IT
 Revel in the process
 Revisit goals OFTEN (daily)
 Be hard on yourself
 Establish Plan B (eg. When you are about to eat something bad for yourself, OD on h2o).
 Contingency plans to get back on track if you do mess up “all is not lost”
 Change rhetoric and self-messaging to reflect the way you really feel about yourself (treat yourself the way you’d treat a best friend)
 Act “as if” you are already at your goal
 Recognize that the epiphany is just that.. and change happens in action
 START NOW…

Fat-boy-slim

OK, so this is about as vulnerable as I am going to be on this blog (besides my discussions of miscarriages, of course). This is much more personal. I have decided to declare IN WRITING that I am going to get my body and appearance together for once and for all!! Each week, I am going to update this blog about my progress.. (I typed “uggh” here and then I erased it – hmmm… that could be a separate post by itself).

I could write for hours and hours as well as pages and pages about where I have been. I could talk about my pituitary tumor (and the ways that that screwed up my hormone levels – especially my testosterone and prolactin), my 20 years of not eating meat and the countless and I mean countless hours at the gym (and how embarrassing it is to be the hardest working person there and have my body look like I am a total slacker) BUT I WON’T. I won’t write about these things because I am where I am – period. And, as I understand it, the best way to get “un-lost” is to determine where you are!!

So, where am I? I NEED TO LOSE A SIGNIFICANT AMOUNT OF WEIGHT- period!!! I don’t have an exact # and, honestly, I don’t care what that number is… Here are my goals (I am giving myself 6 months to get 90% of the way there)…

I want to get my body fat % under 10%
I want to “look” fit and feel great in my clothes
I want to develop and sustain extremely healthy habits (eating and exercise)
I want to be strong .
I want to take care of my skin, hair & teeth.


HERE IS WHERE I AM GOING TO START…

- I am going to cut out sugar and bread for 1 month (to start)
- I am going to start going to the gym again (at least 3-4 x/wk)
- I want to start walking and swimming more often
- I am going to be “present” about my eating and conscious about snacking
- I am going to try to start eating meat again.
- I am going to get on a sustainable vitamin/supplement regimen (not just take whatever I feel like that day)
- Limit beverages to water and tea
- Maybe start drinking alcohol ( I have never been a real drinker before).
- Schedule surgery on my left foot..


My next post will include the list of things that I typically do to sabotage myself and strategies for avoiding those pitfalls moving forward.

Wish me luck and look for an update next week.

Getting back on the blog track

I feel weird that I haven’t written on this blog in a week. I think I have mixed emotions because I don’t think anyone other than 1 friend actually reads this – if that is the case, I could just send him emails ☺.. However, I want to be clear that this is not a complaint because I haven’t told anyone about my blog (I want to always leave room to talk trash about friends and family : ). So, I am going to pretend that folks are reading it and get back to writing more regularly…

Can I move to Hawaii?

My best friend and his amazing wife are in Hawaii right now. I am not a jealous person by nature but DAMN I wish we were there with them!! We saw them last week on the way to Hawaii (they had a long layover in LA so we picked them up and spent the day together – she FINALLY got to see the Hollywood sign (a big deal for someone from Singapore)). We had a blast during our short 6-hour break together and it made me realize how much I miss my family (blood and otherwise) on the East Coast. It also made me realize how important it is to shape your life the way YOU want it to look/be. In other words, if you love being around your close friends and outside all of the time, for instance, don’t move 3,000 miles away from everyone and take a job that forces you to be inside most of the day. Pack up your stuff and let your lifestyle determine where you work and live (we’ve all heard it said a million times - work to live rather than live to work).

So, I am declaring it here and now.. I am going to get off my butt and make things happen… I’ve charged our friends to figure out how we can live and work in Hawaii – folks do it every day! People say stuff like, “I’d be bored” or “I’d get island fever.” I don’t understand these concepts – BORED? REALLY? Well, I don’t think a lot of people really take stock of what their lives look like.. Take me for instance, I live in a city that never sleeps but I do- every single night! I don’t hang out late at night anymore. I don’t work in “the business.” What am I doing in LA? All of the things that I really enjoy – spending time with my wife and baby, walking, hiking, not rushing from place to place in my care, hanging at the beach, playing golf, etc. - are things that I can do a lot more of in a place like Hawaii.

Hold me to this promise – I am going to stop riding the bench in my own life… More about that in a later post..

bear vs raccoon

Yesterday I saw two huge raccoons in our driveway. No big deal if you live in the suburbs but a very odd thing to see in the middle of Los Angeles. Am I wimp because I don't mess with raccoons? It is funny, I have seen them up close countless times in my life (many of the homes we lived in when I was a child were on the edges of the "woods'). It is funny, I was more anxious about my encounter with the raccoon yesterday than I was when I had a "run-in" with a bear and her cubs last year. Strange, huh? Maybe it was because I was holding my baby yesterday or maybe it is because I am a human and we aren't always the most rational beings.

Run in with a bear, you say? Many of my friends know this story but I think it is crazy enough to repeat here. My wife and I were hiking in the Sequoia National Forest back when we used to hike (new parents should smile right now). We had hiked much further than the average tourist and before we knew it, we realized that we hadn't seen another person for about an hour or so (should that have been a warning). We were having a great time checking out the largest trees ever when we started hearing a weird tapping. So, naturally, I walk over to the nearest normal sized tree and start tapping a similar rhythm (joking with my wife that I have just found the second Ivory -Billed Woodpecker - NPR drove us crazy with this story)... Suddenly, my wife said that she thought she saw something out of the corner of her eye - I continued to joke about the woodpecker when my wife got very very quiet.

I looked up and realized that we were about 25 yards away from a black bear and her cubs. My wife started to run (exactly what they tell you NOT TO DO).. I grabbed her by the nape of her neck (sort of like she was my cub) and put her behind me. The bears would have chased her (it was bad enough she had our lunch in her backpack) because they can't help but chase potential prey carrying desert on her back.

Back to the drama.... Had we not stopped to communicate with the ivory billed woodpecker, we would have crossed right in front of her cubs and it would have been ON AND POPPIN). Anyway, we stood still as the cubs passed in front of us - probably 10 yards away. I had just read that I was supposed to make a bunch of noise, wave my arms and look as large as possible if we encounter a bear. However, the cubs barely acknowledged us so we just stood quietly watched them pass. This plan seemed to be working UNTIL the mother bear passed in front of us - she stopped about 5 -10 yards away from us and took a few steps towards us.. Now, not that I am some macho bad-ass, but, until that moment, I didn't feel an ounce of fear (all I was thinking about was keeping my wife safe). When that momma bear took her steps towards us and I suddenly realized how much danger we were in, my legs went cold. I was trying to think if I could hold off this bear long enough for my wife to get away (we had just watched Grizzly Man and I kept reminding myself that this wasn't a grizzly and that I might walk away from this fight - silly, right?). Obviously, the momma bear decided that I wasn't much of a threat and went back to her cubs. The joke for me has been that she stepped towards me so I wouldn't go home and tell folks that I "punked" a bear - she simply needed to check me! Consider me checked.

So, what does this have to do with a raccoon? Here is the first hint into how my crazy brain works.. Immediately after our encounter, it hit me that that bear could have really hurt us and I kept thinking about the "damage" I have seen angry/cornered raccoons do over the years and it struck me that the bear could have done much much worse. I am not implying that a bear is just a big, bad raccoon but they are playing the same game - sort of like a little league slugger and Barry Bonds both play baseball.

Do I need to buy a big knife and a slingshot? Or should I just call LA animal control-- wait, they don't do house calls anymore...

Our baby fish finally learns to swim

My beautiful 10 ½ month old son had his first official swimming lesson today. What a thrill! Everyone knows that he is a water fanatic – he has loved the water SINCE DAY 1. He loves the bath, any type of running water (he has been taking showers with me since he was 2 months old ), the ocean – he used to fall asleep as soon as I got close to the shore…. I took him in a pool for the first time when he was 4 months old and he was indescribably happy (he was so calm and peaceful – he was mesmerized)..
All of this to say is that the swim lessons were long overdue! But 10 ½ months isn’t exactly late in the game, is it??!! So, today, we put “swimmers” on his little body and drove him to the Lenny Krazelberg Swim school at the JCC in LA. The folks there COULD NOT HAVE BEEN FRIENDLIER – seriously, they made us feel welcome and comfortable immediately and THAT set the tone for the day.

We quickly stripped and jumped into the pool to join the class that had just started! The scene was hilarious – actually.. It was me (6’3” LARGE African American man) along with three mothers and their babies and the teacher. We sang songs and let our babies get comfortable. Then, without warning, came the moment of truth – the instructor stopped the class and announced that it was time for humpty dumpty to fall – YES, we needed to “dunk” our babies under water. On the count of three, we all “blew” on our babies’ faces and dunked them under the water. Our son LOVED IT – he went under and came up with his eyes wide open and smiling! WOW!

OK, so here is one area where daddies may be better suited for “action” than mommies.. I didn’t get a sick feeling when I submerged my tiny little son in chlorine filled water (I wonder if my wife would have been able to do this without crying)… Next up, we were supposed to sit our babies on the edge of the pool and sing the humpty dumpty song and when we got to the part where humpty takes a great fall, we were supposed to pull our babies into the water, blow on their faces and then ease their heads under water. Well, that is nice in theory but our fish-baby kept trying to dive in – I couldn’t get through the song because I had to try to keep our baby from pushing me away to make room for him in the water.. Finally, after a few attempts, I was able to get through the song and partially dunk him (he kept arching his back). The very cool swim instructor took him and did it for me – HE LOVED IT..

I wonder what would have happened if I had just let him go? Would he have worked his way back to the surface?

Finally, one proud father note… our son was the star of the class AGAIN – every time we go to a class, he shines. He loves other babies and he is so easy going that folks can’t stop talking about him – SERIOUSLY!( there are times when it is a little embarrassing). I hope that he continues to love being around other folks and I hope that we continue to do things to nurture his amazing spirit.

My one concern – I worry that Lenny Krazelberg will see Cole in the pool and bar him from his school because he is going to be worried about his records being broken J

A boy and his dog

Every boy should grow up with a dog! Throughout my childhood, we always had a dog in the house. However, I never felt like our dogs were MY dogs. Sure, I was responsible for cleaning up after the dogs and walking them occasionally BUT the dogs ALWAYS loved my mom (she has a great voice for babies and dogs AND she fed the entire family – including the dog!!) and saw my dad as the alpha male. I never got to have a loyal friend that I always dreamt about.

My wife also LOVES dogs. And, for her, the bigger the dog, the better (which is funny because she is only 5’2”). And, while she grew up with dogs too, I think her experience was very similar to mine. However, as an adult, she and her sister had a dog - Hoover – who was her buddy, companion, running/riding partner, foot/bed-warmer, garbage disposal, sounding board, and loyal member of her family. Sadly, they had to put Hoover to sleep three years ago. My wife has healed from that loss and she is ready to add a four – legged member to our family.

I hope that our son will grow up loving dogs like we do! If he doesn’t then he doesn’t but all indications are that he does – HE ABSOLUTELY LOSES HIS MIND WHEN HE SEES THEM ON THE STREET (he lets out a high pitch squeal when he sees them and don’t let one come up to him …. J- it’s like Mardi Gras ). It makes me laugh and smile every time I see him around dogs!

I am not sure I can articulate anything new about why a boy (child) should grow up with dogs but here is why it is important to us. First, he may be an only child (an opportunity cost of having a child at 40) so I hope that having a dog will teach him to think about something else other than himself. I hope that taking care of a dog will teach him to be caring. I hope that, by caring for a living being, he will learn to be responsible, empathetic and nurturing. I hope that he will see his dog as his best buddy and he will look back on his childhood experiences with his dog and smile – they will discover new worlds, swim, camp in the yard, dig holes, keep each other from being bored, spend rainy days together, and even sit in “time out” together. I hope they sleep together. In short, I hope he gets to experience all of the wonderful things that dogs bring to peoples’ lives.

So, the logical question is “why don’t we have a dog?” Short answer – timing and space. We thought about getting a dog before he was born but we decided that we didn’t know exactly what we were getting into so we didn’t want to put ourselves in a situation where our dog would not be getting the attention he deserved. Anyway, we are also STUCK in LA and our space is limited and that would not be fair to the big dog my wife wants. Finally, we decided it might make a little more sense to wait until our son is a little older and he can be a much more active part of the dog’s life.

Any thoughts? Suggestions?